Americans, as a whole, seem eternally convinced that anyone attempting to counsel them or chastise them for anything they may decide to do is infringing on some truistic birthright. While we adhere more or less willingly to the spirit (if not the letter) of the law, when it comes to social ordinances, particularly international ones, we react with self-righteous rebellion. I'm as guilty of it as anyone, and I suspect that most Americans, at one time or another in their lives, can say the same.

So this is my manifesto. All the things I've done or would like to do because, goddamn it, it's my right as an American.

There's no good reason I should be held responsible for my lack of exercise and/or a healthy diet. If I want to be weak and dumpy, no one had better say anything about it, because it's my right as an American.

I can and will be as vocal and offensive about my opinions, based on fact or wholly fabricated, as I choose to because it's my right as an American.

I deserve hundreds of mindless cable channels and a color tv as big as a room to watch them on because it's my right as an American.

Though I'm not frequently in any real danger, I have various weapons of many descriptions because it's my right as an American.

If culture or education are not readily available to me (i.e., piped directly into my home and emanating from my televsion set) then I have no obligation to be cultured or educated - I can be ignorant because it's my right as an American.

I work hard for my money and even when I don't I like to spend money I don't have in anticipation of reaping the rewards of this great laissez faire economy, because it's my right as an American.

I speak English and only English and do so in whatever crazy dialect I find appealing because it's not my problem if other people can't understand me or find me ineloquent and because it's my right as an American.

This is not intended to offend anyone, only to poke fun at the way Americans grip the idea of absolute liberty so tenaciously as to use it as a reason for ignoring the common sense criticisms others make of us and we make of ourselves. The best thing about this country is the way we can laugh at ourselves while maintaining a real sense of patriotism.