Sitting here at my desk, peering over my shoulder ever few seconds to make sure my boss doesn't catch me slacking a smile (how rare!) escaping from the corners of my mouth as I read all the responses that people have sent me about my last daylog. Thank you all so much for your kind words, your empathies and support!
I realise that I have not been here long, but with each growing day I find a little more truth,a few more laughs, a few more friends and a lot more faith. Thanks to Wiccanpiper, who showed me that there are some people who do care, and especially to Wiccanpiper's Mission Drive Within Everything... "Write, edit, and assist. To never give up. To ride out the highs and lows and emerge victorious."
I will ride the highs and lows of my battles through life. And I will emerge victorious. I cannot give up the Scapegoat, I cannot lay him to rest. I will write what I feel like writing, whenever I feel like writing it. I will refrain from using names of people who may be offended by my words, unfortunately the truth hurts.
My girlfriend just emailed me asking what I was up to. I told her that I had said goodbye to Scapegoat and that my fellow noders were sympathetic and full of words of encouragement. Rather than tell me that she was happy for this, she replied "she's done it again! That bitch has so much control over you it's sickening. I wouldn't have done it (lay Scapegoat to rest)". And she's right. I can't do it anymore.
There are numerous faiths on this planet that believe that when you put thoughts and energy into something, you lose that energy to the thing itself (so best not lose it, because that energy will be lost to you). This usually refers to items, pendants, idols, symbols of personal power, etc. But it applies to people too. I spent the first 6 years of my daughter's life walking on eggshells for this woman. Giving all and getting nothing but shit in return. And though August 31st, 2001 changed my life forever, I still never let go of the fear of this woman.
It won't be easy, but I can't give in to my fears anymore. Martin Luthor King once said "until you've found something worth dying for, you're not fit to live". If living for yourself and following your own heart and mind doesn't qualify, nothing does!
I think I just surprised myself.... I wonder who's more surprised, me for standing up for myself for a change, or my girlfriend who's probably just now getting an email from me telling her that I was wrong and she was right? I guess there really is a first time for everything!