Everything Drugs : CAKE

Trade Name: Dimesmeric Antiphosphate (a bisturbile cranabolic amphetamoid)

Street Names: looney toad twat, russell dust, chronic basildon donut, jos ackland's spunky backpack, bromicide, ponce on the heath, cool thwacks and charlie, hattie jacques' portentious cheese wog

A hallucinogenic drug, currently legal in the UK, originating from Prague in Czechoslovakia. Cake is part of the "boom rave" culture. It is sold in round, 12" yellow slabs filled with nutrients and industrial dye. Groups of users (or "custard gannets") wolf down large quantities of this drug. It stimulates Shatner's Bassoon - the part of the brain that regulates time perception. During a Cake trip, the user percieves a single second to be as long as a month. The drug has many harmful side effects:

  • The dye causes water retention, causing the neck to swell and suffocate the user (known as "Czech neck")
  • Users may cry all the water out of their bodies.
  • One user vomited their own pelvis bone.
  • When tested on rats, it turned them into space hoppers.
  • Some addicts were trampled to death by cows in a field.
An organisation was formed to increase public and government awareness of this menace. Free the United Kingdom from Drugs incorporating British Opposition to Metabolically Bisturbile Drugs (F.U.K.D. and B.O.M.B.D.) enlisted the help of several celebrity spokespersons for a Channel Four documentary in 1997, presented by one Chris Morris.

Among them were Bernard Ingham, Bernard Manning ("It's a fucking disgrace"), Noel Edmonds, Paul Daniels, Bruno Brookes, Rolf Harris, David Amiss (then MP for Basildon), Jimmy Greaves and Sir Graham Bright. Mr. Amiss even went so far as to raise a question about the drug in parliament, and received assurance from the Home Office that steps would be taken to combat its influence on Britain's impressionable youth.

Cake can be easily acquired if your dealer is the boz-boz (in which case they may also sort you out with triple sod, yellow bentines, clarkeycap, or even a quackcandle).

Cake does not occur naturally, it has to be cooked up in a laboratory - you could say, in fact, that it's a made-up drug.