TL;DR: My life hasn’t improved significantly in over a year and it’s having a toll on me, my mental health and my overall overview of life and the future. Rambly post below.
Thought I should update things in a more formal way.
The main scenario of my life right now can be described in a set of situations. In no particular order, these are:
- Lack of sustainable employment;
- Living with family, leading to intense feelings of guilt, compounded by other factors;
- Living with someone in which I don’t trust, and with whom I disagree in lots and lots of things, including but not limited to:
- Opinions on music,
- Attitude towards video games as a means of escapism, relaxation and entertainment,
- Attitude towards reading as a means of escapism, relaxation, entertainment and/or learning,
- Religious faith,
- Openness towards uncomfortable feelings brought about by media,
- Willingness to experience uncomfortable feelings brought about by media as a means of conveying a larger message, plot or statement,
- General depression with no diagnosis, and overall bad mental health;
- Lack of means and options to engage in new activities that might lead to the expansion of the social circle, exacerbated by a small-town situation;
- Exacerbation of bad thoughts brought about by declining mental health, including but not limited to:
- Loss of interest in completing started projects on the grounds that they don’t matter;
- Eroded hope in the future;
- Eroded sense of worth;
- Overthinking of thoughts and remarks perceived as negative;
- Overthinking the public aspect of friends and acquaintances, as seen on social media and private communications;
- Overwhelming desire to not “push” my problems onto friends for fear of being seen as weak, as intense, as dead weight and/or as a generally undesirable person,
- Intense dislike for current city and its weather, atrocious transport system, backwards thinking in regard for social situations, lack of real options for outdoors activities, lack of cultural life beyond the same old tired circles, hot weather that bears repetition in this list, and other characteristics;
- Return to self-censoring—of feelings, opinions, decisions, et cetera—as a defensive strategy, taking down years of fruitful introspection and genuine human connection; and
- Suicidal ideation, again.
I can write at length on each and every one of these, but I doubt anyone would want to read it, even if it were written with any coherence. This list alone is rambly enough to send lots of people to the vote button just to say they’ve read it. This list is not for you, it’s for me. It’s a message in a bottle, dropped in the middle of the ocean, hoping I will find it in the future, maybe in a calm shore, maybe in another storm. It’s a time traveling device to the past, hoping the future will still exist and there will be someone to read it. Will it reach its destination safely? Will the message degrade? What if the language becomes forgotten?
Neruda wrote—in one of the most overused verses ever written in Spanish—that «I can write the saddest verses tonight». Congratulations on creating the single most manhandled stanza of all Hispanoamérica, setting those poor words to go to bed with every adolescent writer going through heartbreak. You cannot write sadder words than mine, and not only because you’re dead.
Uematsu’s song instead says «Love Will Grow» and I like that much better. It makes no reference to who does the loving, or towards what. I believe in Love growing much more than in a competition for the saddest words. The individual may be gone, but the overall product will not. My own little destructive depression may crush me, but will only improve the overall picture. I can believe in that, more than a Gospel that has no εὐαγγέλιον, no Good News for the 21st century.
Not for me, anyway.