I have been placed in charge of the 2019 Noder Summit Meeting, which will be held this year in Everything, Kansas. I have purchased this place and made it ready for a large scale conference. The dead bodies and ruins of the original community first settled more the 15 years ago remain as a painful reminder of the consequences of not bringing enough provisions and being picky eaters.
Each year, thousands of noders from across the globe come to the Annual Noder Summit Meeting. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the gestation of the everything2.com brand website, which means two full decades of new learnings being dispatched to the masses through the magic of computer science and geography. It is estimated that more than 10,000 noders will make the pilgrimage this year to the grim location of this year's summit meeting.
Maybe you are uncertain or maybe you have a controlling spouse with anger issues. Maybe he or she is mentally unhinged and you have to deal with that. No time for annual summit meetings, you say. Well, I hear what you are saying but this is an opportunity that cannot be missed.
The first day begins with the annual parking of the cars. Noders will pull into a lot and will be parked closer to the venue based on the number of occupants of the car. In other words, losers who come by themselves will be parked way in the back and will have quite a walk there and back. I recommend using this time to consider why you are friendless. Speak to the noders at the various booths about this. Some will have forms you can fill out to join clubs and receive nodeshell challenges via fax at your work daily. Good clean wholesome Internet funs.
Everything, Kansas, was a very inconsequential part of the Everything2 Civil War and the War of Raising the Bar, and this was mostly because the people were starving and arguing about tofu and Guitar Hero being played competitively on flat screen televisions run off of generators. They did that but did not bring enough provisions. One noder went to get supplies in town and ran out of gas in the driveway of the recreation center. That was the only place with power. They played video games and starved to death. We honor their sacrifice.
What is sacrifice? You can discuss that topic and more at various noder booths where presentations will be made about noding and C! strategies that will work for you. Some of them will be wearing crop tops.
After the ceremonial parking of the cars, noders proceed to the venue on foot unless they have a god symbol next to their name and that gets them a ride on a golf cart. Because of the sheer volume of participants expected at this year's even, Content Editors will need to walk with the rabble. I have been told a group is going to offer free "handies" to Content Editors in the "music tent." Look into that if you are interested.
You will need to find a tent with bedding unless you brought your own. Most of the mattresses are without sheets and have been stored in a barn where the livestock starved to death for a decade. I strongly urge you to bring your own bedding on account of these circumstances. This is not a lesson you want to learn even once. The feeling of what went on during the annual summit will haunt you for the remainder of your days.
Once you have secured bedding and a place to go sleep at the end of the evening program, head out and mill about with the thousands of noders in your midst. Call upon their wisdom. Guess what their online name is. Ask them to wear a name badge with that name on it so you can avoid talking to people whose nodes you don't care for one bit. If you want to avoid me, I will be the obese gentleman with half his intestines hanging out wearing a Ralph Lauren dress shirt and shit kickers.
Around lunch time, a bell will sound to call noders to the feeding area. Being your coupons. No cash will exchange hands. If you don't know where to buy coupons, ask the staff. They may know something about this.
There will be a lot of drinking and some limited drug use. People will be walking around high with no shirts on. You will never know what really happened when the whole crowd fell on each other and you got out of it feeling oddly sticky. You will never know. This is half the fun of the massicely popular Annual Noder Summit Meetings. You will bring your own cocktails. You will drink fast and furiously. You will pass out. Something will happen while you are passed it. It won't be sexual. It won't be a violation of your personhood. It will be something you cannot ever define. You will never know. This is most of what is most fun about Annual Noder Summit Meetings. The mysterious substances.
You will come to 2019 Noder Summit Meeting because you are noder. This is what you are. There is no other purpose in your life. Once you are in this cult you can never get out. It is like a street gang but we get high on nodes, not wacky stuff, although many noders do wacky stuff and some of them are probably going to stroke out before they are twenty-eight, but this younger generation has nothing on their elders, especially those that attempted to settle a place without provisions and then died. Remember their sacrifice. How you remember helps noders understand where you are coming from. Many nodes are written about caring between noder and another noder. This shows somehow in statistics that will be talked about early in the morning of the second day of 2019 Noder Summit Meeting, which is something you are destined to attend. If you are noder you must. This is right way. No other way. Just right way.
Lunch on the second day will be at a roadside burger shack down the road from the failed settlement. There we can joke and fun with each other, all ten thousand of us at once, as we eat cheeseburgers and talk about the glory days without our shirts on. So many nipples. A true testament to the power of noding. This is why after lunch there will be a "Praise the Beloved Nodegel" revival meeting. It will be like the revival meetings held during the years 2003 and 2004 where lonely souls decided to worship the nodegel. Of course, years later, those who did not die in the sorrow that was Everything, Kansas, wandered off to seek false idols in department store windows as they made babies together and tried to pretend they were like regular people. Many failed. Many got trapped in wells. Many lost all hope. Once you are one with the nodegel, extracting yourself is very difficult. It is like kicking the heroin or other things like that which affix themselves to you like a disease. Without nodegel, noder die. Once noder, always noder. This will be the revival meeting meat. This will be what is yelled about from the pulpit.
After pulled pork sandwiches, noders will file into the cineplex where they will watch a movie that is fairly terrible. At this time, noders will riff off of each other as they compete to make better fun of the movie than the others. It is a cacophany of voices. Like the music of the children of the night.
On the third day, the morning will begin with the start of all all day session of classic Annual Noder Summit Meeting party games like eat poop you cat and talking about books outside. The second night will have a leisurely pace.
Important community leaders from around the world, including Angela Merkel will speak to the assembled noders on the morning of the third and final day. There will be metal detectors and extremely invasive body cavity seaches. This was only way to bring to you important lecture from Angela Merkel at the special noder summit meeting celebrating 20 years of good, old-fashioned noding.
Lunch will be potluck on the final day and there will be a light supper before ballroom dancing in which the rules will not be followed and noders will move about in a jerky fashion that makes you laugh. It will look like ten thousand people engaged in convulsions of different kinds all at the same time in a field. Praise be that a helicopter doesn't land on them. Later on while people are waiting for their rides or walking all the way out to their car (long walk if lonely guy) there will be discussion about words and what they mean and subjects regarding history and new learnings that different noders recently received on everything2.com brand website.
The dates for the events will be announced by management when it has been finalized.