We see and hear about puppies everywhere we go. They are in pictures shared on the Internet. They are in ads with small children selling pants and other merchandise, and at one point there was a puppy pulling down a little girl's bathing suit bottom in order to sell suntan lotion. They are at family gatherings making everyone happy with their wet noses. We know all this, but where do puppies come from?

This is a very good question. I am glad you are interested in knowing more. This is a factual writeup.

A puppy is basically a child dog. This is different than a man dog, which is a cruel type of non-medical experimentation that has no place in our society. A child dog is like a child man. It is basically a dog that has not yet reached physical maturity. It is a wee dog. Think about your standard sized hot dog and then think about knockwurst. Same thing.

Since there are no female dogs in existence (extinct since the 1720s by most accounts), dogs developed a different way of reproduction. Once dogs reach maturity, they gather in packs and force the weaker dogs into accepting anal intrusions from the entire pack. This causes things to happen inside them that is similar, but very different, from the way humans give birth.

When it comes to humans giving birth, the mother basically gives birth to a creature that has no skin. It is covered with highly sensitive nerves and screams in agony and terror for months until the skin grows and it stops being in horrific pain and can begin to have ideas and do drawings and act in school plays. It becomes functional. Puppies don't have that long and they are born not whole, but as components. When that dog poops at some point down the road, in that poop will be found the parts of a puppy. The dog will know by instinct how to push the actual poop aside and put together the various pieces: arms, legs, head, pancreas, heart, cock, and so forth. This is why you always see dogs sniffing at piles of poop. They are looking for the lost children of the Empire of Dog. It is a ritual thing but also necessary as some dogs don't realize they were pregnant until after they poop and may not have been brought up to check for puppy in the poop. It is something that is learned. Other dogs will pick up the slack by smelling piles of poop to make sure.

So, the cute puppy with the eager child being playful is not entirely what you think it is.

How do you acquire a puppy? Another good question. There are three primary methods:

  1. Puppy Mills: This is not recommended because they are insidious and awful. What these puppy mills do is gather up stray pregnant dogs and bring them into a room with a toilet that is custom designed for dogs. They dispel their pop and puppy parts into the toilet and it goes down a pipe into a holding tank. When a dog is ordered, a pimple-faced geek wearing a lab coat, glasses with tape on them, and a hat, will reach into the tank and get the parts needed to build the requested type of puppy. Some breeds are harder to assemble than others and there are no pure breeds in puppy mills. Those puppies are assembled from random parts fished out of a holding tank by a kid who can't get laid in a cathouse with a fistful of hundreds. Buyer beware.
  2. Classy Breeding Joints: Unlike puppy mills, these places take care in making sure bloodlines stay pure. They only put the poop of a single dog into a tank and assemble it based on that, and to maintain the breeds they have fenced in "zones" where dogs of the same breed can form packs and dogpile on the weaker ones for the profit of the classy breeding joints and their illustrious owner. This is a good way to go if you care about master race type dogs.
  3. Natural Birth Dogs: The best way is the natural way, as they said back in the day when I asked for margarine at a family social (not my family). These are puppies where the mother pooped them out with last week's Ken-L-Ration and assembled them with care. As you know, dogs poop out a litter of puppies, not a single puppy like most people do, and there is a lot of assembly required to put together the right parts in the right way. Do you want to walk around with your brother's arm stuck to your head permanently and as a way of life? No, you do not, so if you love puppies, choose this way. It is the best way. It is the natural way. Like casing-free wurst. Tasty.

Now that you've gotten yourself a puppy, there are many things you can do:

  1. Become best friends
  2. Get the puppy neutered
  3. Hunting and fishing sojourns
  4. Reading books to each other
  5. Take selfies with each other and post to Facebook and Instant Gramma sites so others can see
  6. Other stuff

So, many benefits if you decide a puppy is right for you, but be aware of the origins and what your puppy may have been subjected to before coming into your care. Perhaps you are a general or someone who has built a fort in the woods and is planning an insurrection. A puppy may not be of great value to you. Generals and insurgents don't have much time for rubbing wet noses with puppies, but what they do need are dogs to enforce their will upon intruders and prisoners. Puppies need to be trained early for this and to be feed raw meat that was killed within an hour of their dining so that it is still warm and pulsating (human flesh continues to pulsate for up to four hours after dismemberment). This gets them in the mood for blood later in life and makes it easier to train them to take the kill order seriously. Don't do this if you just want a cute puppy that grows up to be a goofy house dog that everyone loves petting.

Enjoy your puppies, my friends. May they love and comfort you.