Boobies do not make the world go round

(A Nodeshell Commando Action)

(A NodeShell Challenge by graceness)

(As seen in Men's Health Journal 10 Nov 2000; Reader's Digest Condensed Books and Articles, 17 Nov 2000; Blue's Cluesletter, Dec 2000)

Contrary to popular belief, scientific research shows strong evidence that boobies DO make the world go round. This research was performed in response to several angry responses this publication received in correlation with an earlier article, "Why boobies won't save the world." (5 Sept 2000) The errata printed by this publication are listed and corrected below.

• Boobies don't pay the bills - This has been ardently disproven with examples such as strippers, porn stars, and Playboy bunnies having been cited and referenced by the readership.
  
  
• Boobies have no medicinal effect, either on the psyche or general medical health - This was instantly disproven by several women who claim the following, in summation: "The important thing to remember about men is that no matter what they are complaining about, whether its that they hate their jobs, their backs hurt, or they feel like their lives are 'empty and meaningless', popping a singular booby in the mouth of an ailing man not only makes him feel much better but also ceases his incessant complaining." Boobies are proven to have a 99% effectiveness rating against placebo with most non-lethal illnesses, even alleviating chronic muscle and joint pain.
  
  
• Boobies have no bearing on the gravitational axis or orbital motion of the earth, causing it to factually 'go round' - A weight-to-gravitational-force equation was compiled at MIT (Physics): R={(b2)+(e)}{S+T}3 - where R=rotation, b=total world weight of boobies, e=everything else, S=Spin velocity and T=axis angle. Using this equation it's easy to see that if all the boobies on Earth suddenly disappeared, the instantaneous loss of so much mass would cause the Earth's rotational speed jump 29.6 Miles-per-second in the space of 2 seconds, effectively sending the axis angle out of balance with the density of Earth and causing it to break off its axis and spin into the Sun. So, conclusively, while boobies do not literally make the world go round, their presence does prevent us all from being hurtled to a firey cataclysmic demise.
  
  

So, in conclusion, the magnitude of the effect that boobies have on our everyday lives should not be downplayed or under-estimated. Please remember to support your local boobies, because without them, the citizens of earth would be the main course at an intergalactic luau.

I'm sure we all know what boobs are. If not, there are already wonderful explanations, and that is not what I am here for. This is instead about their actual practical applications and usefulness. I heard a great quote recently, "Yes, I has boobs. Yes, most girls have boobs. Some guys have boobs. Let's move on". So, why then are boobs treated so almost sacredly in Western society? Why is it immediately assumed that if a guy is looking at a girl, he is staring at her rack? Why in fact, is this so often actually true? Why must touching them be avoided at all costs? Do we really just over-sexualize everything? I'm not about to attempt to answer any of these questions here. Perhaps I will later, or others can.

Firstly, as a rule, the breasts are further developed on females than males. Why is this? That doesn't sound fair. Clearly all men are not created equal. A popular belief at one stage was that men are superior to women. If this is true, then boobs are immediately rendered unnecessary. Were boobs however, a mistaken endowment on females?

The list of generally-accepted uses for boobs is quite short:
- Breastfeeding
- Sex appeal
- Distinguishing females from males

Breastfeeding is certainly a legitimate point here, as there has yet been found no suitable replacement solution to this basic necessity of newborn babies. Breast-milk is notably however, only required after birth, not before. I am unfortunately unqualified to comment on the value of boobs for sex appeal. However, research indicates that boobs are found highly pleasing to the straight male populace. Seeing as they are not actually necessary for reproduction, I think it can be safely assumed that their sex appeal can be depreciated. As for the last point, could not length of hair or some other such demarkation be used instead? Of all of these, only the last is useful to the owner.

A number of other reasonably common uses:
- As pillows for sleeping on
- Bras as storage devices

Admittedly, boobs are more comfortable than shoulders to sleep on. This use is depreciated though, as alternatives can easily be found. Again, using boobs as pillows does not benefit the owner. Handbags, belts or neck lanyards are a simple storage solution in the case of clothing without any pockets, rendering the use of bras for this purpose redundant.

Now for some somewhat less orthodox applications I've come across:
- Pouring drinks, holding a vessel in the cleavage
- Typing
- Cushioning the force of impact during pedestrian collision
- Bribing guards
- Measuring acceleration
- Guiding rope off a pulley during an escape down the side of a building

So it seems, when you're in a jam, boobs can be extremely useful things. Before I say, "Where's mine!?", there are of course quite a few down-sides to having boobs:

- Back pain
- The need for extra items of underwear
- They get in the way
- Ogling
- Far greater risk of breast cancer
- They become a nuisance in sports
- Detrimental aerodynamic affects
- Throwing one out of a delicate balance
- Dress code

So, now the decision is yours: Are they worth enough to you that you wish you had them, guys?

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Update: A Yahoo! Answers thread has recently been started on the subject here