Can a person be a deadbeat towards him or herself?
I think so.
The deadbeat
ethic, in my
opinion, is not necessarily
confined to
finances, the
welfare of minors, or
alimony. Without a doubt people who
disregard the needs of
others in their
care should be
reprimanded, and are of a much more serious category than those who
consistently make poor
life decisions.
Perhaps there are "
minor" deadbeats, people who want to
destroy themselves out of
pain or
disorientation
while destroying others
emotionally at the same time. These people might need a different title, but for the
moment I consider them "
self-deadbeats".
Agoraphobia has effectively ended my
college studies. At one time I had a
vibrant academic career, now I sit at home and watch the walls, waiting for the
electrical fire that may come due to
overloading the electrical wiring. At the end of this
term I will owe a large
chunk of
money to my
university, though I rarely got up the
courage to go to
class. My
Greek professor regards me as
lazy just because I
aced her course last time; I can't approach her for fear of having to use
lorazepam and stare at her, with no words to say.
There are still
bills to pay for nothing, still class
withdrawal slips to fill out, and unrealized
goals. I have only disappointed myself. I may have a
panic attack on the
parade grounds on
campus; I may torture my only friend with
hypochondriac fears. It's not just letting myself down. Am I a deadbeat?
No one cares if I finish
school, or walk around
unkempt; neither will I, until I realized that I have
imprisoned myself by rejecting what I can do. Just as the
criminal deadbeat neglects his responsibilies to others, the "self-deadbeat" may need to run from responsibilites because he or she, in a way, is handing his or her own
sentence down. Instead of alimony, he or she is not paying him or herself the
due necessary to live, and stop throwing the
credit at others who can't keep a person
propped up.
I'm still
waiting for something that I can't
control to fall on me. Until then, the
walls will serve as a nice
substitute.