I am scared

I am frightened to death, and I can't stand to admit it. I fear being alone for the rest of my life. I am scared that I am just going to wind up fading into the grey. I know I am a romantic at heart, but I know I can survive on my own. I fear I will fail trying to live a life, in which I remain true to myself and independent, where a man isn't my destiny - but a choice. I am scared to age physically, when men will stop flirting with me, and see me as being worth much less. Will I become a pathetic hermit, similar to the main charchter in Notes From the Underground, aware, perceptive, and unloved? I am scared that I will become a nuisance, or burden to my friends. I am terrified that no one will ever look at me attentively, or lovingly again. I fear that when I talk about my life, my experiences, my mistakes .. that they are only curious about my life because it is such a drama, and not because they want to get to know who I am. I am scared that I already had the great love of my life, and that the rest will just be me pathetically hoping and dreaming, until I get so destroyed from constant slams in the face that I just become to tired to dream.

I used to think I would wear my emotions on the outside my entire life, not giving a shit at all what anyone has ever thought about what they saw in or though about me. Then I hit 14. Funny how things change so quickly, and you learn to conform.

And now, I see the whole universe I have built up to cover the inner me falling apart. A moment of weakness. A moment of trust in someone who didn't deserve it. My defense broken by a kiss. And then the flow of inner emotions that poured out of me and onto her. And she was overwhelmed. And then she was gone.

Once again, I am wondering if I will ever share myself with another human being, let them see the inner me. Can anyone truly handle it?