Attention Scum is a surreal comedy show, shown on BBC 2 at 11:45pm on Sundays. It is based on the award winning standup show "League Against Tedium" and is quite unique both in terms of presentation and humour. The show is presented by a man wearing a large hat and standing on top of a white van. He preaches to an audience, usually in a field, of his superiority over them. Well, I'm convinced...
Behind every great man there lies a great woman. And one in front of him as well if he's lucky.
Suppose conventional wisdom to be a forest. I am a chainsaw. You are squirrels.
My aims are that of an owl's. To whit to woo. Eh ladies?
When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.
Think of sin on a par with a woman battering to death her first born child. With her second born child.
Beware the smile of a waiter. It means he's pissed in your soup.
I wanted wine, women and song. I got a drunk woman singing.
The truly beautiful are often abused for apparent ugliness just as those with great vision often bump into things.
Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.
A punch in the gob lets a fat man know his status.
Some people cannot see the wood for the trees. I see the wood and the trees and the small village beyond and what's more I have a flame-thrower.
In love as in fighting the winner has an eight foot pole.
He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.
What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravestone inscribed with the words: so what?
People rarely listen to what I say. I do not expect them to. One cannot expect dwarves to queue for the rack.
My dog has no legs but he still chews bones. How does a dog with no legs chew bones? With a great deal of suspicion I noticed.
In the hierarchy of the freak show the bearded woman is king. She may deny it but ask her again in a nice way when the dwarves aren't looking.
All men are brothers. Hence war.
The hour has come! - ooooh, lucky hour!
Fish deserve to be caught for they are lazy. Two million years of evolution
and they still haven't got out of the water.
It is said we are descended from monkeys. I did not realise how far descended.
Look at the sea and think of your evolutionary past. Look at the sky and imagine the future. Look at the land and think of the present. And at the most profound place where land, sea and sky meet - there ye shall play volleyball.
What should one say after making love? Thank you seems too much. I'm sorry - not enough.
If you don't listen next week - you ought to be ashamed of yourself. If you do listen - you will be.
Welcome to the future - it's broken!
I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.
I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else that worries me.
Like bees around honey. Why are bees so attracted to honey since they make it? It can only be vanity.
It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother.
I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect and to see with.
I was staring at the mirror when I had a religious experience. Which is unusual. Normally when I have a religious experience, the mirror stares at me.
The electric guitar - like making love - is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.
Between the valley of shame and the valley of pride there lies the ridge of love. Oh no, that's a little further North I think.
All artists are willing to suffer for their art. So few are willing to learn to draw.
"Brevity is the soul of wit" said Shakespeare. I say "Wank!" Thus I win.
On July the Twelfth, Nineteen Ninety Four,
A day that shall be enshrined forevermore,
In the minds of poets and philosophers alike,
For it was another DAY IN MY LIFE!
The pen is mightier than the sword you claim. Very well, get out your pens essay writers and prepare to have your logic tested by steel.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. Indeed - likewise he who lives by the pen, he who lives by the word processor, he who lives by the fax machine all shall die by the sword. Only he who lives by the tank shall remain immune.
Put on your dunce's caps. Those caught not wearing their dunce's caps may be forced to stand at the front and teach.
Women, I suggest one thing to you. Sex! Oh you may laugh but you do so with damp knickers.
Creatures such as you should be bound and gagged and thrown back into the sea so that you can evolve a little more or at least serve as a warning to any fish nurturing ambitions.
London - The city that goes to bed quite late.
Horses sweat. Gentlemen perspire. Women sweat and perspire - and shit and piss and menstruate, but you would never guess that to look at them. With their faces.
I decree that history shall be rewritten. This time without any punctuation so that it is just one sentence linked together by the phrase "And then what happened was..."
I clip your ears with my non-sequesters.
Greatness sits upon my shoulders as the dog urinates upon the pavement - with naturalness and ease and some offence to passers-by.
It is said that at the age of 55 each man becomes what he most despised at the age of 25. I live in constant fear lest I become a badly organised trip to Bournemouth.
Have you anything to say. No? Then shut up. Lest you are a woman in which case carry on - It's delightful.
Cleanliness is next to godliness. And the chip shop is next to the hair dresser's. It doesn't persuade me to visit either.
Men on average think about sex once every eight minutes. I make a point of thinking about sex every four seconds.
This makes me one hundred and twenty times more manly than the rest of you.
If a million monkeys were given a million typewriters, eventually one of them might produce the complete works of Shakespeare but to reach it would it be worth wading through four hundred copies of "Money" by Martin Amis?
I remember my first religious experience. I was alone at the time and so was able to clear up the mess before anyone noticed.
I remember the first time I made love. Perhaps it was not love exactly but I made it and it still works.
Plagiarism is the highest form of art just as theft is the highest form of commerce.
All the world is a stage and its inhabitants merely actors and by definition pansies.
The message of Christ is a simple one: "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!"
Do you wish to see the world? Go to the airport - or the optician.
Inside every naked woman there is a fully clothed one trying to get out - but what to wear?
For what you are about to receive may the lord God make you truly grateful. As the bishop said to the actress.
Get thee behind me Satan! Get thee in front of me God! Let's have a threesome.
Like many supermodels, I won't get out of bed for less than £3000. Unlike many supermodels, I don't get out of bed very often.
If you only ever read one book in your life, I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut.
A million monkeys were given a million typewriters. It's called the internet.