I'm a little new at saving nodeshells, but how hard can it be? A little nodegel and a spackle knife...

We were just beginning a survey as part of our extended mission to gather detailed data on cosmic strings. Our ship was the SS Forthright. Although equipped with the most sensitive and diverse sensor arrays and staffed by the finest scientific minds in the Federation, our ship had virtually no weapons, and not one of us had any tactical training. The helmsman, Lt. Yorp, shouted "Captain, there's a vessel, EDB class, bearing 221 mark 032 approaching at warp nine point... IT'S THE BORG!!!!!"
Every crew member's veins turned to ice. I wet myself. We were completely outmatched. It seemed that resistance was, indeed, futile. But it was my first month on board the Forthright, and I had no idea just what calibre of man it was under whom I served. Calmly, steadily, Captain Wallmart said simply:

"Onscreen." And then, "Ready the Saturday Morning Device"

The crew now moved like they had a purpose, and, just maybe, a shred of hope. I had no idea what the Saturday Morning Device was except that it was expressly forbidden by the Kittemer Accords.

"Engineering, set the Device to 'Pooh'", ordered the captain, "attack pattern delta. Fire."
I whispered to my neighbor, Lt. Akido, a Marilynmansian, "what...what's going on?". He replied, coldly, "the captain attempts to disable the Borg with an entity so foreign, so insipid, that they will be unable to assimilate it, indeed, unable to continue to to function as a collective.

On the viewscreen, I saw three pods speeding towards different points on the massive surface of the Borg ship. All three were transported out of sight, inside the Borg ship. "They're still coming, captain," said Lt. Yorp. Like we couldn't see that on the viewscreen! God, he's such a wanker! In fact the Borg ship began to spin cheerfully clockwise, then counter-clockwise, clockwise, counter-clockwise.

Captain Wallmart was as calm as before. "Engineering, set the Saturday Morning Device to 'Barney'. Fire."
Lt. Akido punched up the profile for the Barney entity on the ship's computer. I leaned over and saw a hideous magenta-purple anthropomorph, crudely replicated, in the approximate shape of a male fertility totem of the planet Risa. The captain was attempting to disable a Borg ship with...a purple dildo? Then Lt. Akido activated the audio file. A cloying, nasal voice sang "I luv you..."
I looked at the viewscreen. I barely saw the pods before they were transported inside the Borg ship. And then...

The Borg ship fell rapidly behind us, becoming smaller and smaller in the viewscreen. Lt. Yorp said, "the Borg engines have lost power, captain. There's no activity at all on the Borg ship--they're completely adrift."

Lt. Akido and I high-fived. I'm not sure what happened after that; we were all pretty giddy. But with all due respect to this Review Board-- I resign!!!

(idea) things you'll never hear the borg say:

* Don't assimilate that, you don't know where it's been!
* I can't assimilate anyone today, I don't have a thing to wear.
* 2, 4, 6, 8, let us all assimilate

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