The following is the labored result of my worthless Bachelor's work in History.
Fucked Up Facts from History
The Horny Kid
Apparently the Mendesians (a group of ancient Egyptians) venerated the goat; especially the male ones (typical sexists eh?). In fact, goats were so special that every now and then the Mendesians would all get together, choose some especially virile goat, and all watch it have “intercourse with a woman in full view of everybody”. (Herodotus, The Histories)
Ever see Bachelor Party?
Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That
The Roman emperor Elagabalus (218-222) dug women’s fashion. He liked it so much that he constantly wore womens' clothing in public, and acted with all “the manners of the female sex”. But wait, that’s not all. Apparently he also had a harem of ‘mates’ to whom he apportioned great titles, one even being officially titled Emperess’s Husband. The Praetorian Guards didn’t like it too much though. They ended up repeatedly slashing him, dragging his effeminate body though the streets, and then throwing him into the Tiber. Nobody knows what happened to his bitches. (Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire)
Huh. J. Edgar Hoover got off easy (no pun intended).
The ancient Massagetae were even more waste conscious than the Eskimos. Not only did they freely share their wives with one another (just “hang up your quiver in front of her wagon and then enjoy her without misgiving”), but they also had efficient parties. When a Massagetaen deemed themselves too old to keep on living, they threw themselves a massive going-away binge. The whole family would show up and pay their respects by first killing them, then boiling them down with some cattle meat (for spice), and then top it all off by eating every last bite (leftovers were disrespectful). “This they consider to be the best sort of death.” (Herodotus)
See? Jeffery Dahmer was just an old-fashioned conservative.
Whips, Chips, Chains, and Vegetables
During the Roman Golden Age, the penalty for adultery was a mob beating followed by a large radish violently shoved up your ass. (Lucian, The Death of Peregrinus)
The centuries of progress are to be measured by the hamsters of Richard Gere’s anus.
The Bigger the Bag, the Bigger the Box
In ancient Lydia, every woman came with a dowry upon marriage. However, the larger the dowry, the lesser the snugness. Apparently every “working-class girl in Lydia prostitute(d) themselves without exception to collect money for their dowries”. So if a man married a gal with a hefty bag of cash, they were also guaranteed to get professional lifetime care. What a combo. Bonus for the ladies though: “They choose their own husbands.” (Herodotus)
Bet they didn’t have a 50% divorce rate.
And HE said unto them: “Keep the chitlins and drumsticks; torch the rest.”
According to Moses, the Lord said he really gets giddy when you bring a nice bull into your home, kill it, cut it up in neat pieces (placing its “entrails and its legs” aside for washing), collect the blood and splatter it all over the place (including on everyone present), and then torch the remains. The ensuing stench creates “an odor pleasing to the Lord.” Well, except the legs and entrails. Those are yours to keep. What a nice God. (Leviticus, 1:8-9)
Yet another example why Jews are cool, and Christians are just wine-drinking pansies.