The
United States Army's new
slogan (formerly
Be All That You Can Be).
A
spoof of their
ad campaign:
I AM AN ARMY OF ONE.
I am the 18-24 year old being targeted by this new marketing concept, the very embodiment of "
what's in it for ME?" The legacy of the
politically correct years. It's ok to be immoral and a pervert, and if anyone tries to mold me too vigorously into a something that resembles a warrior, I'll tell my congressperson!
I AM AN ARMY OF ONE.
Teamwork? My chain of command consists of
ME, MYSELF, and I. I know I am destined to be a
dot-com millionaire, so just give me all that
college money and take it easy on the
discipline stuff. When
divisions of Chinese are
racing toward my outpost like rabid
lemmings, I'll pack my
Task-Force-Smith-smelling ass back to
Milwaukee.
I AM AN ARMY OF ONE.
I have
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, I have oversized thumbs because I'm great at Nintendo, and my androgynous, sensitive physique can't handle 5
(never mind 10) properly executed push-ups. I couldn't blast my way into an old folk's home, let alone stand my ground in an impromptu bar room brawl.
I am a product of social engineering and 6 hours of TV a day; my idea of a Survivor is not a Medal of Honor winner who killed three Vietnamese with
his e-tool before being shot and left for dead, but a pudgy, manipulative gay guy on an island shared with other losers.
I AM AN ARMY OF ONE.
Concepts like
duty, honor, country are passe. If it involves sacrifice of my individuality to become part of a team, I'll punch out and spend the rest of my life hanging out with my Microsoft employee slacker buddies in Seattle, speaking in learned tones about an unfortunate period in
my life where I endured the indignities of military service. Oh, the
Patton movie? Haven't seen it.
I AM AN ARMY OF ONE.
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. What can I do for my country? Ha. Let me ask that after I've feathered my nest like so many of the non-veteran,
draft dodging, privileged
Ivy Leaguers populating
Capitol Hill. Cater to me first, pander
to me as an individual, and after I don the uniform, continue to treat me with kid gloves, and let me punch out before things get really tough-where I might actually have to risk my life for my country, because...
I AM AN ARMY OF ONE
Anonymous Member of the United States military.