We hear the phrase "You are my bitch" thrown around a lot these days and it seems that a lot of the time the issuer of the comment could have chosen one more appropriate to the situation.

To this end, I have developed some guidelines for determining if someone is your bitch:


  • You consistently whip somebody's ass at something. This person is probably your bitch. Take the following example: You and your buddy play pool all the time. You beat your buddy badly almost every time you play. This person is your bitch. If they also buy your drinks for you, then they are definitely your bitch.
  • Take now someone you hang with who has nothing but love and respect for you, always does nice things for you and would be your life partner if you only asked. You only hang with this person because you're bored and don't have anything better to do and because often you get free stuff out of it. This person is your bitch.
  • Any person that always gives you their hard-earned money for absolutely no reason is your bitch. Like, if you are a pimp-daddy and you've got a whole buch of prostitutes working for you, well they are all your bitch.


  • There are also some guidelines for people who you think are your bitch, but who really aren't:


  • Anybody whom you give money to perform some sort of service is not your bitch. Example: A waitress in a bar. She brings you your drinks with a smile and she calls you little pet names like "sweetie" or "darlin'" and pats you on the behind. You may be convinced that she is your bitch, but she's not. She is doing what is known as "working the tip".
  • Your employees are not your bitch. Just because you get to boss them around and feel important does not in itself make them your bitch. They must qualify in one or more of the ways mentioned above.
  • Your pet is not your bitch. Sure, he relies on you for everything. But think about it. You feed/water your pet and walk him when he needs to go. It seems to me that you are your pet's bitch.


  • Hope this helps.

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