March 2, 2003

"I really loved what you did with Doctor Racheter.... if I ever met a medical examiner, that's exactly what I imagine they would be like. 'Mysteries of death' and all that."

I smiled politely. Mock Trial Regionals were three quarters over as far as I was concerned now, and my thoughts were far away centered on a nice warm shower so I could get the layers and layers of make-up off my face. (If nothing else, playing this role had showed me that being deathly pale is more trouble then it's worth.

The boy who addressed me seemed nice enough, and I had to give him him marks for bravery- I'd designed this persona to be unapproachable. Pale face, black clothing, all arrogance with the occasional morbid touch. In essence- just me when I didn't bother with politeness.

"And the cross is a nice touch."

I winced. As if a cross would ever touch my skin again. "It's an ankh." I clarified, readjusting my collar to show the golden symbol.

"Oh, cool--"

He looked like he was going to say more, but it was time to return to trial.

The second half of the case consisted of watching the defense witnesses, of which the boy was one, getting torn to shreds by my esteemed attorney teammates.

He wasn't that bad. Decent presence, almost convincing... certainly less painful then the other witnesses on the team.

Trial ended, and I found myself accosted by the boy again, with continual expressions of admiration, which I handled with as much graciousness as my nature allows me.

"Could I get a picture with you?"

What the...?

I scanned the boy for any sign of a hidden motive. But he seemed to be all innocence and enthusiasm. And from what I saw on the stand, he wasn't THAT great an actor...

"Sure, I guess so." What did I have to lose? My pride? Too late for that one, mock trial has cured me of that vice for good.

Flash! Give me a forced smile...

"Looks like you have a fan." As I hid myself back in one of my usual dark (or in this case, relatively isolated) corners, one of my teammates had approached unnoticed.

"A frightening thought." I'm not supposed to be likeable...

"Considering how close to your usual personality this is, maybe the two of you should date."

A glare was the only possible answer to that. Doubt my boyfriend would appreciate that idea any more than me. In an effort to save dignity, I retreated to the hallway.

"Oh, hey..." I turned to see one of the witnesses from a previous trial beside me.

"Yes?" On further reflection, maybe the hallway hadn't been the best place to go.

"I just didn't get to say before how much we all loved what you did with Racheter... that was amazing."

Look, the entire world's gone crazy!

"Oh, thank you." I favored her with my usual subtle half smile. Oops, probably not the best idea, with this outfit on she might think I'm going to bite her...

"I was just so impressed by your acting. Good luck in the next round!"

Ah, she thinks that was acting. How little she knows. "Um, thank you. Same to you."

I hastened to the room where my team was gathering. An unwise choice to say the least.

"Looks like you've got yourself some mock trial groupies."

Groupies?!?!?

"Well, they are a group of guys and girls... that would suit you."

Heh. I'd be apt to disappoint any such groupies.

After all, they'd probably want to have sex. Eww.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, regionals itself could be going a lot better. And the trial tomorrow morning will decide everything. But hey, even if the judges hate my characters, and we lose our bid, and we lose the tournament for the first time ever... I came out of it with a fan club of sorts.

What more can I really ask for, after all?

just the light in the corner, sometimes i'll sit here for hours just staring. i know this is not something unique to me.

i'll never really say what i am thinking because the truth is no one really wants to know. no one ever really wants to know what anyone else is actually thinking. and - if they do - it is short lived. it is just a way for them to lead into a discussion of their own thoughts because after all, we are only human.

sometimes the smallness of everything that we are is so penetrating.

art gallery, driving, food, here again. i am a wanderer. every wall like bars - like a cage and an excuse to stop fighting for the right to slip outside for more than a short period of time. there are clinical terms for this, i will simply call it scared. after all, that's really all it is, isn't it? everything is a matter of how scared are you, really?

it's not that i think anything i might say won't simply slip through my mind, anyone's in half a second or less.

and then, this is for you.. because if you aren't existing for yourself, you'd might as well exist for others until it feels like there is reason again. you are so many things i've always wanted to be but could never quite handle or wrap my head around. it used to be jealousy, the feelings i'd have for people who i saw this way, now it is more admiration than anything.

i don't have a lot - but i'd like to have less. lately just this longing for nothing and empty space. an empty room and a small box and a pad of paper and a small lamp in the corner. a pen. there is just so nothing that anyone needs.. so nothing at all. a blanket and some seeds and water. mostly, you can live with anything you have, whether it be very little or far more than you deserve. i guess all you really need is an appreciation of life. people with more money than you.. most of them will give it to you freely if you can stand in front of them and show them that you are alive.

warning: Highly bloglike material, hence the daylogging.

I'm a geek.

I am 22 this June. Somehow, a girl thought I was hot enough to make out with. Which is a first for me, seeing as how this was my, uh, mouth-debut, so to speak. Problem is, I am in love with someone else, and I am also not attracted to the girl with the tongue in question.

How the hell does the mouth work, is this all reflexes, is this some crazy joke on the so-called God's side? "Hey, let's have those two make out for no reason at all!"

The weird (or maybe not so) thing is that now I am tearing up. I guess it's cause I like this girl - as a friend - and I do not want to disappoint her, I mean, what am I even saying, today is one big non sequitur to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I hope I can let her down in a good way, even though I love her like a friend and she did take my virginity, so to speak.

(Even worse, I thought about noding this as I walked home from the pub - as I said, I'm a geek)

I realised something about myself today. I always thought I wanted the best job and the biggest house and that is what would make me happy but I think I was wrong. All I want is happiness and maybe that could make me happy but I’m not quite sure anymore.

I always try and please people and I admit I hate to fall out with people. Over the last week I found that I try to hard with some people. I don’t like hurting people’s feelings but it seems they don’t mind hurting mine and that isn’t fair, is it?

Being happy is really important to me and sometimes I think that people are trying to stop me from being happy. I don’t want the complicated friendships anymore. Sod them.

All I want now is to find someone who truly cares for me, and can make me happy, is that too much to ask? I see couples and I see their happiness and wonder if that will be me someday. My brother and his girlfriend seem so happy and I just hope that one day I will be as happy as they are. Maybe they are too young but can you choose when you fall in love?

Every guy I have ever liked or cared about has never seen me as more than a friend. Maybe that is a good thing. I mean can a relationship be based on friendship? If all I can have is friendship that is fine by me.

I’m happy …

(Downvote this all you like, I just need to get it off my chest)

I decided today to break up with my girlfriend...

Yesterday she came up on the train to see me for a night out on the town. She had arrived back earlier that day from a skiing holiday, and, even though she was very tired after the 16 hour coach journey, was still happy to spend a night out with me.

It's funny, I always thought I was quite good at concealing my emotions. But the first thing she said to me as she got in the car (aside from the usual "hiya", "how have you been?") was, "We're still ok aren't we?". She looked right into my eyes and I nodded, taken aback. She asked me again, and this time I managed to squeeze out a "yes of course", nodding furiously, and looking away before she could trap me with her eyes.

I had been thinking about our relationship the whole time she had been away. We've only been seeing each other for 3 months, I thought... she won't take it too badly, etc. etc. Last night made me realise that this is going to be so much harder than I thought for both of us. I know in the long run it is better than stretching things out until they snap, but on the other hand I always seem to find an excuse for not communicating my feelings to her. Last night it was because she was so happy and so emotional but also so exhausted.

I see her again on Tuesday, I'm already dreading how things are going to go. Will I chicken out again? By some horrible coincidence I stumbled upon ansate's writeup on Why are all my ex-girlfriends crazy? and it leaves me with even more worries. I know I have to say all this to her in person, but at the same time I will have to text her or chat on MSN tonight and tomorrow - is it not just as bad to pretend everything is ok on those media before springing it upon her face to face?

As I have been off school, on holiday, this past week my sleeping habits have adjusted to my “holiday setting”. This consists of going to bed when I am tired, usually between 2 and 3 am, and get up only when I am fully refreshed by sleep, usually between 10 am and noon. All well and good, yes? No. There is a problem:

fuckwit birds

These birds start tweeting and chirping at about 3 am. By this time I’m ready to sleep, and they don’t seem much of a problem. I always takes me quite a while to get to sleep and as this time passes the birds get louder. And louder. And louder. Maybe it’s just me, but by 3:30-4am, the little feathered shits seem to be screaming their lungs out while perching on my windowsill. As you can imagine, it is hard to sleep with this cacophony being perpetrated.

What I want to know is: why do these birds sing in the middle of the night? I’ve heard of the dawn chorus, but dawn is still hours away when they start. Shouldn’t they be sleeping? Does my neighbourhood attract insomniac fowls, or perhaps cause avian sleeplessness?

Goddamn those birds.