Pantoum #2

While tending the elderly, I'm dreaming of porn,
The slapping of bodies and squinting of eyes,
All of the residents seem so forlorn,
While Lorna and Bridgette scissor their thighs.

The slapping of bodies and squinting of eyes,
Talcum and sputum, meet leather and lace,
While Lorna and Bridgette scissor their thighs,
Corralling each loved one into their place.

Talcum and sputum, meet leather and lace,
All these forgottens and all of their failings,
Corralling each loved one into their place,
And placing each hand on all of the railings.

All these forgottens and all of their failings,
While I enjoy my illicit remembrance,
and place withered hands on all of the railings,
We do have life here, but only a semblance.

I am enjoying my illicit remembrance,
All of the residents, they seem so forlorn,
We do not have life here, only a semblance,
As I tend to your loved ones; dreaming of porn.

About this time last year, I graduated undergrad. In about two more months, I'll be attending Purdue University and working on my doctorate. What happened in between was more enlightening than I had originally bargained for. My job at nameless international school was my first 'real job'. I made a real mess out of it. Thankfully, it's not a job where making a mess of things actually hurts anyone — except the children, of course, but by the time my class got to me they were already beyond my (admittedly limited) art to save. Here's what I learned, then, during that year off.

Between June and August, I maintained a long-distance relationship with my (now ex-)girlfriend, whom I still love and think about fondly. In hindsight, though, I shouldn't have been driving so much. I essentially squandered all of my savings and graduation presents into gasoline, which at that time was upwards of $4.00/gal. I still have mixed feelings about that. Obviously, I love her, but I forgot the first rule of rationality: desire does not by itself change the nature of reality. There were economic limitations that I should have enforced more stringently. I frequently found myself in situations where I could spend money now for us to do things together, or save money for the trip. Ultimately, I chose the former and ended up incurring yet more parental debt, having to borrow enough money to get established.

This is a mistake that I absolutely have to rectify. Wizard's Third Rule: Passion rules reason.

The first semester of my teaching job went by rather quickly. I cut a lot of corners. I should have studied more about the theory of education, but even when I had a chance to correct this oversight while on the job, I chose not to. I failed to apply the idea of tsuyoku naritai effectively. I settled for being first an average teacher, and then as time progressed, a below average teacher. Now, for these last twenty-four days of school, I'm at best a babysitter. That's really unfortunate, and it's mostly my mistake.

Off the job, I did an even worse job trying to keep up with my own personal development goals. I did manage to continue studying Mandarin, but to be perfectly honest I could have studied a lot harder. I did manage to read some good books that I would never have the focus to read in the states: the first half of Being and Time, Anathem, The Meaning of the Creative Act, Aristotle's Metaphysics, Halmos' book on measure theory, and more recently Ken Wilber's Sex, Ecology, Spirituality. You'll see that only one of those books really has anything to do with my final goal of studying mathematics. I really need to do better at that.

One of the important lessons I learned during this time is that given a full-time, non-math related job, I will tend to spend more leisure time recovering from the willpower-draining effects of that job and less leisure time promoting my final goals. Luckily, in the fall I will rejoin the mathematical community and be none the worse for wear.

Happy Birthday Amy

I can't believe how fast you've grown up. It's your sweet sixteen today. My little sister isn't little any more. Of course you were excited but pretended not to care. Mom and Dad were planning a party for the last month. They let you choose your own birthday cake ( chocolate with nuts )and they also let you invite whoever you wanted. It's going to be your best birthday ever. I bought you an extra special present. It's the red guitar I've seen you stare at in the shop window for over a year. I had to dig into my savings in order to buy it but I'm really glad I did. Your face just lit up when I gave it to you.

I hope that smile stays on your face all day long. I hope you a get birthday kiss from that someone special. But most of all I hope you don't grow up too much. I still want you to sulk and pick stupid fights with me. I want to 'borrow' my clothes and make up. I want you to play that guitar as loud as possible and think of me as you do. Make sure you dedicate all your songs to me and don't forget that I love you despite all the things I call you. Thats actually one of your own lyrics. Whose stealing now!? Haha

Happy Birthday Lil' Sis.

"Look I've found a writing site
Wow." I am up all night.
Reading sneaking
Looking peaking
"Wow, I can write anything.
I'm so excited, I'll begin
I'm sure that it is just my fate
to be a writer, really great."
I start to prattle and to prate
About the stuff my family hates.
Forbidden and the evil topics
They bother me, I don't stop
At anything, I'm freed with wings,
"And another thing..."

"But wait, what's up? Oh, no.
My email box begins to glow.
I try the catbox out for size!
Whoa, the big fish make a rise.

Oh, ow, please no more!
I didn't mean to be a bore!
I'm really not an evil whore!"
I read the words with mounting horror.

I leave the site. It's on the shelf.
I can't go there and be myself.
I think I'll just write here at home.
Lonesome, lonely and alone.

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