You sit near me. You offend me with your presence. Please stop.

You mash your keyboard just to offend me, don't you? Admit it, you could type quieter than that, couldn't you. Be a man and admit that you chose that keyboard specifically because it was noisy and mechanical.

Please realise that I do not want to hear about your fake job interviews. I know that you are unhappy working in this company, but I also know that you are apathetic and incapable of changing.

You know that I like Linux, Free Software and the social implications of the Internet. Know also that I sometimes wish to work, not discuss the latest kernel release.

Never discuss information security with me again. I too frequent www.securityfocus.com, I do not need to hear you tell me about the latest exploit. I already know about that.

Your project is boring, pointless and doomed. I do not want to hear about it. Go away. I know that your project manager doesn't understand it. I know that senior management doesn't find the project sexy or interesting. That is because it is not sexy or interesting. Each time you say these things you are wasting air.

If you sing again, I will not be held responsible for my actions. Not only do I hate your choice in music, you sing very, very badly. One day you will find your vocal chords tied in a bow around your miniscule penis, if I can find it.

You cannot whistle. Do not try.

Global Communication's 76.14 is one of the most beautiful pieces of ambient electronica ever made. The next time you spoil it by attracting my attention or by singing, I will grab hold of your lower lip and shake you inside out. I will make sure this procedure hurts as much as possible.

I do not want to hear about your friends, relatives or associates. You are not the social centre of many circles. I know for a fact that you spend your time drinking spirits and eating junk food whilst frantically masturbating to pornography. Likewise, never moan about your late nights; you are just reinforcing my contempt for you.

I like anime. You like anime. Shall we just leave it at that, please?

I do not like answering your phone. I thank you for answering mine, but do not attempt to start a conversation about who was calling me.

You are an engineer, I am a technician. I admit I envy your position and salary; but not your life. Realise that technicians cannot file patents; do not tell me about how our company just made your latest idea inaccessible to all other people in the world.

You enjoy reading your computer newspapers. I do not enjoy hearing you read your computer newspapers.

Sometimes I am depressed. During these times, refrain from trying to cheer me up. Do not sully my childhood memories of Bagpuss and Transformers.

You are out of shape and annoying. If you had a ponytail you would be the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. Therefore do not complain about your lack of female company.

You have seen me looking at E2. Do not presume to make conversation about it.

I do not hate you. I merely find you annoying.


Sigh! That feels so much better! Thank you E2 for providing me with an outlet

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