saddam

dear k9,

thanks for your letter, you seem like a passable dude, so let's talk about this.

i know a lot of you think i'm supposed to be some bad guy, but it just isn't true. it's all a bunch of lies spread by israel and the republican party and all of those people. i mean, seriously, do you believe them in the face of everyone else except tony blair? i don't think so.

yeah, i've been around here for a while, and if you rule a country for too long, you get some skeletons in your closet. it happens everywhere, look at ronald reagan and richard nixon and all them. it's not a good thing, but i never profess to being a perfect guy. iran and kuwait and the kurds... that's all just old hat. you think i'd work with the cia nowadays? heh, they're probably monitoring my connection right now! but anyhoo.

i don't know much about osama bin laden, but tariq aziz was telling me that you all hate him. that's okay. you can hate anyone you want to. i hate ariel sharon, but i don't go around bombing afghanistan to try to find him. that's poppycock.

but calling me a "saddamist?" that's just weird. how can you worship yourself? i mean, i don't have any self-esteem issues or anything, but still. i think allah is a good dude and all. maybe someday we can hit a hookah together and talk about football.

don't blame george w. bush. he's just stupid, and it's not his fault. every leader goes through a phase of idiocy. i know that mine was pretty bad, with rumalia and all that, but i got better. bush will get better, too. give him time and let him get bombed, and he'll get better.

just don't do any name-calling, okay? this is a serious war. a lot of my palaces have already gone up in flames. in fact, i had to move to the ritz in dubai and shave my mustache, and damn do i miss it. iraq is just never gonna be the same. they'll find some wacko sultan to take over and mess things up some more, then i'll fund some more revolutionaries and we'll get back in there eventually.

i miss the old days, when you could be a crazy arab and nobody would care. man, have times changed. but they'll change for you guys too, you'll get a new leader. i hear bob graham is running, i think he'd make a good president.

anyway, dude, take it easy, don't let it get to you that much. it's just a police action, and everything will be back to normal soon.

peace,

saddam hussein at-tikrit

ps, =b=, last time i checked, you weren't the leader of anything, so shut the hell up and leave the rhetoric to the statesmen.