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As all Phylum Chordata, Subphylum Vertibrata, Class Mammalia, Order Primates, Family Hominidae, Genus Homo, Species Homo Sapiens can attest, the penis is a prominent fixture in male human existence. This peninsula of the male human anatomy, sometimes glorified, often demonized, represents less than one percent of the total male human anatomy, yet, its impact upon the psyche can be profound. These are the facts of the penis. As another noder put it, they are the “real, hard, trustable stuff”. The purpose of this node is to discuss how males interact with their penis, in all its fame and glory, and all its shame and mischief.

  1. Carry it with them everywhere
    It is with them when they are born, and with them in their grave. A man on a deserted island still has his penis. Friends come and go. Relatives come and go. But the penis accompanies us through every moment of our masculine existence. It is our right hand man, riding shotgun with us through our lives. Every morning, as we arise, our penis is there. Every night, as we turn off the world and put closure to another day, our penis commends us on a job well done.
  2. Pee with it
    Urination is reward unto itself. We pee often. We pee standing up and sitting down. We use our penis to write our names in the snow. Armed with a penis, a man is a walking graffiti artist.
  3. Talk to it
    We teach our penis right from wrong, like a puppy. We ask it for advice, and we scold it when it behaves badly. At all times, a man is comforted knowing that his penis is there to listen, though not always to obey.
  4. Measure it
    Periodically through a man’s life he will measure his penis. I am of the opinion that a man must measure the size of his penis at each of the four major junctions in his life – his early childhood, his puberty, his full manhood, and finally during his biological decline. Men take two measurements of the penis length: One measurement starts from the bottom side of the penis shaft, and is erroneous in that it may include the “root” of the penis, and is therefore considerably longer. A more accurate measurement of the length of the penis is obtained by measuring from the top of the shaft, where it joins at the base of the abdomen. Thanks to modern magazines, men have now learned to also measure the girth of their little friend.
  5. Compare it
    Men research their penis with the diligent attention to detail of historians. Facts concerning the penis, forthright and obscure, are perused with voracious attention to detail. In public showers, men slyly measure up to their counterparts, always careful to never get caught staring. Even gay men never, ever stare in otherwise straight public showers. The act of measurement is central to the male fascination with pornography, where penises of amazing proportion are put through their paces.
  6. Learn to control it
    The fine art of controlling your penis is the holy grail of masculinity. The number of man hours we spend training our penis to become erect at the correct time (but not at incorrect times), and to stay erect for a required duration, is astounding. Men practice penis control with every encounter. In our finest moments of mental acumen, and our most sunken moments of drunken stupor, we always do our absolute best to maintain total penis composure.
  7. Have sex with it
    In every human birth (except possibly one), the male penis has played an important role. The penis is used millions of times daily in the act of impregnation. As the human genome project bears forth its strange fruit, I feel confident that soon enough the penis gene (the one regulating size) will be uncovered. The legacy of our fathers will no longer dominate our adult lives.
  8. Play with it
    The penis is the Play-Dough of the male body. Men masturbate at an irregular schedule that meets their solitary sexual demands. Men learn to flop it from side to side. A penis can be pulled on, or pushed in to make it disappear within the body wall. Many women have also discovered what a great plaything the penis is. When you find the woman who treats your penis like a talking hand puppet, you know you have found a mate comfortable with your body.
  9. Advocate it
    Attracting sex takes a certain amount of propaganda. Men approach women by first ensuring their mind is right, and then ensuring their penis is in full cooperation. The act of impressing a woman most often involves assuring her that your penis is fully appropriate, responsible, and attentive, in equal measure. Confrontations with other males are quite often for no other reason than to front the capabilities of individual penises.
  10. Use it as inspiration
    A well balanced man has found harmony with his penis. Freud felt that the penis and its many uses were amongst the most central motivators of the human spirit. We seek out business, personal, and romantic interests that we know our penis would be proud of. Likewise, we hold our penis to a high standard, insisting that it represents us equally well. Many a successful CEO has thanked their penis for always pushing them to achieve ever loftier goals.
  11. Hide it
    The penis, ever central to the swirling universe, is still a private thing. Men contain their penis within multiple layers of clothing. Each woman who meets a man for the first time may rest assured that the mans instinct is to first determine whether the newcomer is of type and temperament appropriate for seeing the penis. Men expose their faces to all who pass, but the penis is revealed like royalty to a much more exclusive set.
  12. Show it off
    On the other hand, men are proud of their penis. Once comfortable around a lover, a man will display his penis in the best possible light as often as possible. Men enjoy compliments given to their penis. One of life’s greatest joys is displaying your penis to an adoring audience.
  13. Blame it
    Not all activities involving the penis are beneficial. A great many men, confused and embarrassed by their transgressions, have fallen to temptation and blame the penis for their own failures. It is an unfortunate fact that most women, over time, will face a situation where they must confront a man who is shifting the blame away from himself and onto his penis. “My penis made me do it!” is the cry of the immature male, still struggling to make peace with his sexual nature.
  14. Cut it off
    Every man faces a darkest hour. We come to realize, at some point, that sex deprives us of our hardest determination, our most rigid mental exercise, and our longest bouts of attention. The penis is, in many ways, an alarm clock. It interrupts our higher purposes with a demand for immediate attention. Many an academic has considered removal of the penis, just so he can focus on completion of some trying task. Likewise, many men have lead their penis down the path of degradation, and considered amputation afterward. All men pity those who follow through with this act.
  15. Screw up their lives with it
    Men let their little head do the thinking periodically through their lives. Sweet logic is cast aside in the pursuit of more biological, sweaty activities. Unwanted pregnancies, embarrassment, and sexually transmitted diseases are some of the many dangers men put their penis through.
  16. Screw up other peoples lives with it
    A penis, however innocent in its own right, suffers from guilt through association. If a man’s mind or soul is corrupted, then the penis must suffer the same consequences as the man it is attached to. Some men learn to use their penis as a weapon, and wreak great havoc upon the general populace before finally subdued.
  17. Take it to war
    War is all about penis pride, taken to an extreme. We fight to the death to preserve our beliefs about how our penis will interact with society. A threat to a nation’s collective penis is sure to be met with violence.
  18. Name it
    Every penis has a name. Many women are unaware of this, which is greatly unfortunate, considering what a tremendous ice-breaker penis names are to pleasant conversation. A woman who asks for the name of your penis is displaying empathy and concern, which will certainly endear her to your heart.
  19. Groom it
    We wash it often, keeping it free of grease or dust. We shave it when our pubic hairs interrupt its display. We do our very best to keep it dry and make it smell nice. Forgive us, girls, if we fail to keep our penis as squeaky clean and fresh smelling as your vaginas. We are trying.
  20. Talk about it
    Comedians have learned that a sure laugh comes from long diatribes about the ever playful and fanciful penis. Philosophers have dedicated their lives to its study. Guy talk is the very vocalization of the penis, a genetic language of our prehistoric forefathers, beat to the rhythmic drum of our subconscious.
  21. Respect it
    Take care of your penis, and your penis will take care of you. Treat your penis with respect, and it will reciprocate. The penis may very well house the male soul.
  22. Laugh at it
    It is, after all, just a bit of flesh, used in its best to bring pleasure. It is a playful companion through life’s trials and tribulations, and a jolly pick-me-up when feeling down. Throughout a mans life he will be amazed at the way his penis reacts to life with childlike glee.
  23. Adjust it
    Scratch the gonads, lean the penis. Five minutes later, repeat the process. Seek out underwear that is most comfortable, yet least binding. Avoid painful twists at all costs. If a mans penis is not comfortable, then the man is not comfortable.
  24. Expose it to the great outdoors
    A happy penis will sooner or later meet sunshine, saltwater, and brisk mountain air. As a natural thing, men are more than happy to reintroduce their penis to the natural world.
  25. Make it a star
    Men put their penis in home videos, take Polaroid’s (or digital pictures), write about it, paint pictures of it, and node about it. Many a man has made his penis into a star, and likewise, many a penis has made its attached man into a well known celebrity.
  26. Find it a friend
    Perhaps the greatest of human endeavors, we walk the Earth seeking a kindred spirit for our penis. This great wandering, a test of manhood, becomes one of man’s defining quests. Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: “I found a companion for my penis.”

Node for the ages!

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