thank god, thank god it doesn't happen often. cause here i am again, like a rodent, beating myself against the bars, not knowing why. or where i want to go. or what i want to happen.

i need an answer; i don't know the question.

i just stare at time as it passes me. can't smile, can't fight. all i want in the world is good things looped to infinity. that's the problem with waiting.

i can't do a damned thing. nothing. i could, of course, do something, but nothing would change anything. i can't stop thinking about it. can't. stop.

don't tell me truth hurts, little girl, cause it hurts like hell.

i am scared, so scared, to find out how much, how true. things don't respond to human emotions. (like fear.) things don't care. they stubbornly persist and grow and get worse and must be incinerated or crushed or recycled or drowned or surgically removed. and eventually, things think and realise their power and laugh at all the stupid humans who wage covert war on them.

i'm sorry it doesn't make sense, sorry for myself. it's unintelligible, but understand that this is what i mean. this is what i feel. now. keys, fingers, thoughts, where they've always been, but the reaction, recognition of familiar fixtures has gone numb.

i should sleep - i can't. it's too hot to stay awake. and my mind is spinning around at far too many revolutions per second, and my perceptions are dizzy.

until it's over, i'll sit here and shake. i'll wait, and i'll find out and suddendly everything will get very fast.

relief will rush over me
or
terror.

i can't know until i'm there. i can only wait.

shh.