First of all, I'm sorry. I wasn't quite in a normal state of mind when I decided to... Well, it's unfair to blame it entirely on the booze. I know you're very distressed about this and really, most of the guilt is rightfully mine. It seemed like a good idea at the time, sort of, and now that it's done well... the cat's out of the bag.

Heh- oh geez. Don't cry babe! I was just trying to be funny. He's in a better place now. No, don't-!

ARGH! Argh argh argh! That was my-!

AUGH! STOPPITSTOPPITSTOPPIT!

I give up! Really! I'll tell you what happened, alright? Just stop it! It's a very nice rolling pin, you don't want to get blood stains all over it! That would be hard to explain to my mother! Please?

Oh-thank-Christ. Just sit down with me and I'll give you the whole story about what happened here.

By the way, you are really cute when you're- NEVERMIND, I'M KIDDING. TAKE YOUR HAND OFF THE KNIFE. I'LL TALK. LOOK AT MY MOUTH. IT'S MAKING WORDS RIGHT NOW.

Look, let's all take a deep breath before I start. You put a load of my pants in the washer, right? Why? I'll explain in a minute. Just listen.

Last night... You were out with the girls and all, right? So I was a little bored and lonely and I invited Barry over, you know? I'm aware you weren't fond of him, but hey, I'm not fond of some of your friends either, so it's only fair. Yes, dear. I'm aware your friends aren't all alcoholic slobs like him. Just most of them.

Hey, cut it out with the knife already. You know I'm right, especially about Joan.

Anyway, Barry and I started drinking together, watching some television to pass the time. We were playing this game where we took turns hitting scan on the remote, right? And if you saw the OxiClean or Sham-Wow guy, you hadda take a shot. By the time we were done, both of us were really wasted and there was a show on the tube, you know, called Mythbashers or something. They were doing all these crazy experiments and junk and one of them was to see if you could explode a gumball or jawbreaker or whatever in a microwave. And it worked! And Barry and I were all "I wonder what else you could do that with!"-

...I know it was stupid. You don't have to remind me. Can I continue or would you rather not hear? Thanks.

So we started with some stuff in the fridge. That's why all the oranges are gone. After that we moved on to a bottle of soda, which exploded and then melted and then started SMOKING and we had to open all the windows just to breathe. Smelled horrible. When we'd sorta cleaned that up, Barry told me about this guy at his old job who used to catch flies and nuke 'em in the cafeteria microwave till they exploded. But we couldn't find any bugs to try this with, so we sorta gave up on that. In fact, we would have left well enough alone if that damn cat of yours hadn't tried to kill me.

Yeah. Ran right out in front of me. Murderous little bastard nearly broke my neck. Pissed me off so bad that I spent the next hour and a half chasing him. The agile little freak really made me work for it. I mean, at that point, exhausted and drunk off my ass, a little revenge made sense. Hell, it was a matter of honor. If he had just held still I would have just told him off, but sweetness, he humiliated me and you know I don't take crap like that from anybody, especially a cat.

So I tossed him in the mike and set it for five minutes. Then I got the squeegee from the garage and looked forward to scraping Mr. Cuddlebottom off the walls.

Hey, don't look at me that way. It was sick, but you're the last person who should be lecturing me about poor decision making under the influence. Remember that time at Ikea? You got us a friggin' LIFETIME ban. So hush and let me finish.

Cuddles was in there, mewling like a son of a bitch. His fur was starting to smoke and Barry was starting to freak out a little. Told me it was just a cat. Just a cat! Damn thing was a psychopathic monster that lived solely for Meow Mix and homicide. That wasn't just the shots talking either. I'm convinced that that cat had been plotting something for the last few months. Watching us sleep. Sneaking around the cabinets. Disappearing for hours at a time. And last week I caught him biting the knobs on the stove. Trying to turn on the gas, I bet.

I'm not crazy!

Around minute two, CB started getting real quiet. Settled down in a corner of the microwave and curled up, looking pissed. He was really smoking now, so I figured he might be suffocating. But he was still alive, cause his tail was twitching. After a little while I realized what fur he still had was actually glowing, not burning.

By minute number three, the smoke had subsided and the cat was really shiny. Like covered in little lightbulb filaments shiny. He was sparking too, the way forks do if you leave them in by accident. Honestly, we should have considered this a possible sign of what was to come but, like I said, our judgement was pretty impaired.

It was at minute number four that shit got crazy. Barry was leaning in real close to the window to see what would happen next and, well, remember what I said about the fork? You know how if you do leave them in too long, the microwave actually explodes? Yeah. Blew up right in the poor guy's face. He falls backwards on his ass, clawing at his ruptured eyeballs, and I can't stop laughing. It blew up in his face! ... What do you mean that it's not funny?

You have no sense of humor. And that eye rolling just proves my point.

So yeah, I'm laughing, he's screaming, and somewhere in there we forgot about the actual cat. I thought it would be dead, caught inside an exploding microwave and all but...

He, err. Well he was, uh..

Just give me a moment to figure out how I want to say this.

Did you ever read comics? No? So you've never heard of the Hulk?

Uh, it's like this. There's this guy, right? His name is Bruce Banner. He gets caught in a big explosion and-

Yeah, Lou Ferrigno played him on TV. Point is, radiation gave him super powers.

Yeah. Hey! Stop laughing! I'm serious here! Our cat is now a dangerous super villain!

...No, he didn't ask to be called Dr. Cuddlebottom. He demanded we address him as Doomlord Felinus the VI. Then he ate Barry.

Do I look like I'm kidding? I mean, I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. He was just floating there one second, still looking like a regular cat except for the glowing purple fur and then he swooped down and his jaw... his jaw... Well, it broke a lot of laws of physics. And Barry was gone. It was nuts. I practically pissed myself. Hell, not just practically, I really did piss myself. That's why I asked about the pants. When I'd sort of recovered Mr. Cuddle- I mean, Doomlord Felinus turned to me and gave me this big spiel about how his race had traveled here thousands of years ago to subjugate this puny planet, only to find that our atmosphere blocked most of the microwave radiation his species depended on from reaching the surface.

Yeah, exactly. THAT'S WHY THEY TAKE ALL THOSE SUN NAPS. The radiation powers their psychic abilities. They only get a little of it here, so they can only do small things, like landing on their feet and making those crazy vertical jumps to the top of the fridge. Occasionally, they build up enough to teleport a short distance, but that's about it. And yeah, they've definitely got some kind of mind control. I feel a lot better with this tin foil hat on.

Anyway, when he finished, he thanked me for returning him to power and promised that we would both be spared from working the rat farms under the coming feline regime. Then he flew up through the ceiling, which is how that hole got there.

And that's what really happened. You believe me, right?

Right?

Hey, where are you going?

Don't leave me here!

...

Dammit.

(I think that cat just ruined my marriage.)