i stared up at the sparkles in the ceiling and thought about the universe. i thought about the subtle interdependencies of organisms, about the random sequence of events that triggered the explosion of sentience.. i was three at the time, but i remember it vividly, the time it took my mind to process, the colors of my thoughts. i have a perfect memory. among other things.

a week ago, they told me i'm dying. i'm seventeen now. and of course, i wasn't surprised. i know everything, you see. the world holds no mysteries. and that, of course, is the problem. not the lack of novelty, but all the knowledge. and the fact that i can't tell anyone, cause i'm a kid and will be for another few months. then i'll just be a corpse and my endeavors to show humanity the truth will be even more futile.

it's a defect (and a gift) at the genetic level. i have 47 chromosomes, and i'm sure you can imagine the problems that causes. for a few years, i developed more or less normally (we'll ignore the fact that i knew everything and spoke three days after my birth). then everything began to go wrong. i didn't say anything - i didn't want my parents to worry for me - but it got worse and finally i couldn't hide it. i got tired, mainly. imagine a computer running for seventeen years without a break. not even a reboot. processing huge calculations, every last byte of memory in use at all times.. sooner or later, the machine falls apart. the fan goes out and it bursts into flames, something. they thought i had cancer..

these last few days, i admit i've been angry. hell, i've been livid. it's not fair. not fair that i've spent this short life with such an unimaginable burden and all for nothing. i've done a little, but the truth is too fantastic for people to come to easily. i wrote papers, they were sent back, depsite the research, the evidence, the proofs upon proofs. i've changed details, semantics, but even those alterations will take years to become common knowledge.

i made a decision.

i'm getting drunk tonight. i don't know why it had to be me, i don't know why i had to waste my life. to hell with this. i'm damned either way; i may as well make the most of my last days.


you're goin' down, nodeshell!