So it's one of those stinking-ass-hot summer days; the kind where the Sun is literally cooking every surface it can reach and your body's pathetic attempts to cool itself include sweating so profusely there is a miasmic cloud of perspiration following you around, Peanuts' Pig-Pen-style. Of course, this is one of those times where your suffering is not to be borne alone, because your significant other happens to be over, perhaps visiting from some other, less hellish climate, perhaps merely deigning to grace with his or her presence while away from the air conditioned nirvana where they spend the balance of their time.

What to do? Fans are not to be thought of; they generate more heat from their wicked little motors, and moving oven-hot air around the room is of little comfort, since the air friction generated is at least as misery-inducing as the ambient temperature. Cool drinks are a pleasant idea, until you notice that any chill imparted by the liquid is quickly whisked away by the furnace you currently inhabit; further, the condensation dripping off the drink renders you even more humid than before. Showering in cold water helps for a time, true, but reintroducing your cooled and calm naked form to the sauna that your house has become is a punishment unfit for criminals. Swimming shares similar benefits and problems, and includes the necessity of driving to the pool (hot car + traffic + parking) unless you've got a pool on site (you lucky bastard can I come over later and hang out please please please?).

Presuming that you and your significant other are intimate with one another and that he/she is up for the challenge, I present a solution below. Please note that I am not a doctor, nor licensed sex worker, therapist, or counselor. I occasionally have clever ideas and like to share them. No lawsuits please. Thank you.

Ingredients:

Procedure:

Decide on a size for the finished product.
Condoms, being stretchy, can produce some fearfully large results. There is a measure of control to be had by limiting the fill amount before freezing, but consider smaller options if the intended recipient is worried or inexperienced. Be cautious of one's eyes being big than one's...capacity. My suggestion for newbies is to start with something less intimidating; try a finger cot (like a condom but finger-sized: available at medical supply stores and some pharmacies). If you are really enthusiastic, you can use a latex glove, filled and formed into a variety of configurations by wrapping with plastic cling wrap.

Prepare the ingredients
Once you've selected a scope for your project, make sure the inner surface is as clean as possible. If you're using a condom, it should be clean as-is (providing it's a new, unused condom) but if you're using unlubricated, I'd rinse the talcum powder off before continuing. Same goes for latex gloves (since they're rarely pre-lubed) and finger cots (ditto). Allow to air-dry or pat dry with a paper towel. Make sure the water is as cold as possible (refrigerated water is ideal) and clean (don't do this with sea water or juice or anything except water or results may be unpredictable and dangerous). See also this url for more information about hot vs. cold water freezing faster. Your conditions may benefit from counterintuitive preparations: http://www.newscientist.com/lastword/article.jsp?id=lw236

Prepare the freezer
You will probably have wire racks inside your freezer. For reasons that will become evident, you will not want to simply lay your product on these racks when freezing unless you're really into texture. Clear enough room beneath the highest rack so that your product will have space to hang freely when suspended from the wire rack. If you don't have any racks, improvise one with a wire coat hanger or use a wide-mouthed freezable container that will accommodate the finished product, support its weight and allow you to suspend it from the open top.

Fill the mold
Unroll the condom or finger cot fully. Pour the cold water into your condom, cot, or glove. Close the open end of the condom, glove or cot by tying it like you would an air-filled balloon or use a twist tie. Be sure to get the thing sealed as tightly as possible.

Shape the mold
If you're feeling frisky, this is the time to add some customization to your mold. If you've opted for the glove, use plastic wrap to bind the fingers into a pleasing (or frightening) shape. Use several layers to make sure nothing comes unwrapped while in the freezer. If you've gone the condom or cot route, use rubber bands to create indentations of varying sizes. Remember that this is going to be hung upside down and frozen, and there's gravity in play, so elaborate criss-crossing and/or attempts to replicate human anatomical features may be challenging. Try a couple of designs and see what you end up with. You can also introduce some interesting curves by propping up a freezable bowl or plate in the freezer and leaning your mold against it while freezing.

Introduce the mold to the cold
Affix your filled mold to the wire rack so that it hangs down into the cleared area of the freezer. Place bowl(s), plate(s) and any other shape-modifying paraphernalia in position, then carefully close the freezer door.

A caveat:
It may help at this point to mention that if you are living with other people, like, say, your parents, your spiritual leader(s), your siblings, or your elderly grandmother who likes to grab a frozen waffle for breakfast every morning, this experiment in human sexuality is best done after they're in bed or away for the weekend.

Wait
This will be a challenge, especially if you and your partner are getting interested in the potential offered by this frozen treat. Try to placate your raging lust with the knowledge that some things are worth waiting for. Allow at least a couple of hours for freezing. YMMV depending on freezer temperature, location of mold within the freezer space, temperature of the water, layers of plastic wrap, and number of times the freezer gets opened between now and the time the mold is frozen. I recommend doing more than one of these molds at the same time so you can increase your chances of getting a workable product at the end.

Unveil
Providing that your ardor has not diminished with all of these machinations, you should remove the mold when it's solidly frozen. Be careful not to try to play with it if there's water sloshing around inside. Besides not lasting as long, a hollow core can lead to breakage while in use, and jagged splinters of ice are nobody's friends, especially when they're deep inside your lover whilst writhing about in the throes of passion. Remove the mold carefully to avoid tearing it. You may need to run it under warm water for a few seconds to get the outer surface to release the mold.

Prepare for use
I recommend that you give it a minute or so to start to melt before using. Taking a newly-frozen, dry object and introducing it to a hot, wet surface (like your lover's tongue, sweaty bod, or well-lubricated interior)...well, you remember that scene from "A Christmas Story"? The one where the smart-ass kid got his tongue stuck to the frozen flag pole? Yeah. That's bad. If you're of the shaped-latex-glove camp, you will need to remove the plastic wrap, and then let it melt until very drippy with water AND use lube. Water-based lube like Astroglide works pretty well. You want something that's not going to get sticky with water. I suggest putting it in a fresh, well-lubricated glove before introducing your new frozen friend to your hot and bothered pal to prevent agony and seething rage.

Just chillin'
The uses for this icy toy are manifold. I will indicate a few of my suggestions below but feel free to add your own and be creative, darn it. Sex should be fun, not formulaic. Lay out a couple of big towels on a bed, couch, or the floor (wherever's comfy) and have your playmate lie down or sit as comfort and preference dictates.

  • Platonic (relatively)
    • Ice massage
      Rub the toy all over your playmate's body, letting the water lubricate their skin. Monitor their skin temperature with your other hand and don't leave it on one spot for too long. Good areas to cover: backs of legs, arms, back of the neck, throat, lower back, shoulders, bottoms of feet.
    • American water torture
      Blindfold your playmate and slowly drip the melting water over every inch of their body. Trail the toy slowly over their body as you do so, but don't linger and don't lunge from one place to another. Think slow tease, not "ice darts".
    • Magic slate
      Write messages to your playmate with the toy. Use big letters and write in all caps. Try drawing simple pictures. See if your playmate can guess what you're writing and drawing or simply write the most salacious things you can think of and wait for the giggle or gasp of shocked horror.
  • Non-Platonic
    • Obviously, you can ram your toy into your playmate with reckless abandon and be assured of a reaction. However, most people are happier with a slow, lingering advance than an aggressive penetration by the coldest thing in the house, especially in a couple of particular places. That being said, try these places and follow the ice with your lips and tongue and fingers to keep everyone happy:
    • Putting your toy inside your playmate
      • There are only so many orifices on the human body, and the two which are probably springing to your overheated imagination are the vagina and the anus. These are always exciting, and can be very pleasurable. If your toy is getting melty and drippy, you can try insertion into these places, but have lube handy and apply liberally if they're any resistance whatsoever. Cold + friction = pain. Pain ≠ fun.
      • Consider also the mouth, which can be even more delightful when your playmate is blindfolded. Trace the lips slowly, kiss softly to warm, then tease again with the ice. Slip the toy gently into their mouth, alternate with your tongue. Suck on the ice for a moment, then slide your tongue between their lips, keeping your tongue rigid. Slowly move your tongue more and more as warmth returns and introduce your tongue and the toy at the same time. Don't try to get your playmate to deep-throat the toy unless they're really into that. The cold will numb sensation and can mask bruising of delicate internal tissues.
      • Obviously, don't move a toy that's been in the anus to the vagina or the mouth. Butts, generally, are not the cleanest things in the universe.
      • Remember, you can use a fresh glove, cot or condom with lube on your toy and change it for every orifice to keep things clean and safe.

Notes:

Some considerations

  • These finished products are not approved by the FDA. They lack any handholds, retrieval strings, safety catches, warranties, or security features. Be careful not to lose them in the excitement of your creative success. Of course, they will melt eventually, but unless you've removed the outer, latex mold...you did remove the mold, right? Go back and remove the mold, you silly lust-monkey...any melting will be contained within the tightly-tied latex mold. Result: a water-filled container stuck somewhere embarrassing. So be careful. Please.

  • Do not keep any ice-based toy inside any living thing for more than a few seconds at a time. Then stop for a moment and tease them with the toy or a contrasting sensation (think about alternating your hot mouth or sweaty, excited hands with this refreshingly cold toy at regular intervals). The idea is to cool off your lover, not to numb them or induce frostbite. Imagine how upset you and your lover will be if they require amputation of their sex organs because you were a little too enthusiastic. If you or your lover lose the ability to feel what's going at any time, STOP. If the sensation moves from a pleasant cool tingle to a deep, hot burn, STOP. If you can't feel the tips of your fingers while manipulating the toy, STOP. Use your head and not your crotch to determine safe practices.

  • Do not reuse frozen toys. It's just kinda grody.

Some things to try

  • Those interested in tamer ice play may want to try putting a couple of ice cubes in their mouth before oral sex. As above, use caution and pay attention to your partner. Loss of sensation or a burning sensation is bad.

  • Another option is to use a cup of very cold water and a cup of hot (not boiling) water. Take a mouthful of one, swish and swallow, then show your lingual skills. Alternate as appropriate with opposite temperature of water.

  • Obviously, melting (not dry and "sticky") ice cubes are a quick and easy replacement for the elaborate toys illustrated above. Use with the above cautions on all parts of your lover's body. See "9 1/2 Weeks" for ideas on technique.

  • Since the preparations are considerable, you may want to make some of these toys up ahead of time and have them in the freezer. Wrap them once in aluminum foil and again in a freezer bag to keep freezer burn to a minimum. If necessary, rinse unwrapped stored toys in warm water for a few seconds to smooth out any rough spots or frost. Try to mark wrappings with some indication of contents to avoid your house- or babysitter accidentally opening one while looking for the meatloaf to defrost.

  • Consider also the possibilites that different formats of ice can offer:
    • Cracked
      Sexiness of using an icepick (Basic Instinct was a HOT movie, folks...accept it), excitingly sharp edges become smooth as melting occurs, randomness of shape can be intriguing, larger pieces mean longer duration of playtime without needing a trip back to the freezer for more
    • Cubed
      Cheap, easy to use and find, don't look lewd to parents who find a bowl of them in your room when you're "studying" with your SO in mid July
    • Cubed (mini)
      Smaller size means a handful conforms to body curves and planes more easily, can be rubbed firmly (not roughly...firmly) into muscled areas (backs of legs, bottoms of feet) to combine ice and massage therapy at once
    • Crushed
      Melts fast, can be formed into temporary shapes (they'll melt and disintegrate with rough handling), can be spread smoothly over broad skin areas like the back or tummy for refreshing results
    • Shaved
      Melts very fast, soft and powdery sensation, good for very sensitive areas (lips, genitals, nipples, toes, face)

Please /msg me with any medical corrections.

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