Lesbian porn. It's pretty neat.

Technically, it is pornography which involves lesbians, or (more coloquially) two or more women having some sort of sexual interaction.

I would like to make the distinction clear between two entirely different, but closely related, strains of lesbian porn:

  • Fake lesbian porn. Essentially the women involved are not actually sexually interested in each other. (or at least only to the same extent that your average 'heterosexual' female porn star is interested in fucking her partner) I generally find this unsatisfying and unstimulating simply because I can tell that not a great deal is happening. Isn't the whole idea of sex that people are meant to enjoy themselves?

    This strain of lesbian porn seems to be by far the most prevalent - whether this is because lesbians are on the most part unattractive, or alternately most lesbians aren't interested in having themselves photographed so that guys can get off over them. I would place my bets on the latter.

  • Real lesbian porn - the women depicted in this pornography type are lesbians in their private as well as public sexual lives. They actually enjoy having sex with women. This kind of porn is absolutely fantastic.

    I find it so fantastic because:

    a) I enjoy looking at beautiful women, and
    b) I find the thought of people getting off sexually in any way rather appealing.
    Real lesbian porn fulfills both the above criteria rather nicely. Not only to we have beautiful women, but we have beautiful women getting off on each other! This porn has become more and more prevalent with the growth of the internet as a whole. More amateur porn has become available in recent years, and as you're much more likely to encounter real people enjoying themselves in amateur porn, and thus you're more likely to find real lesbians.
Brilliant.

So I'm a computer techie, yeah? And I've worked short gigs for a number of different clients, yeah? Well, a bit ago I was going a job for someone who, it turns out, ran one of those dot.com pr0n empires -- okay, not an "empire" per se, but big enough to produce his own video "featurettes". He, a man who answered to "Reuben" even though his name wasn't, let me in on some of the "rules of lesbian porn" as he had realized them over the years:

  • In a scene with only two women, never have them both be blondes (light blonde, that is), and never have them both be redheads. Two brunettes are fine. The only cases where two blondes is acceptable is in a "domination scene" where one is in control of the other. It's some sort of "art" convention, apparently.
  • In two-women scenes longer than 10 minutes, dildos must make an appearance somewhere. Scenes with more than 3 women require dildos regardless of length. This is to stroke the male ego that even though they dig chicks, they still can't live without a nice thick wang in them.
  • In scenes that start out as girl on girl but where a man enters somewhere later the women will, regardless of what they were doing, decide to focus on the man. Again, we are stoking the male ego to make them think that women only go for women when they can't find any men around. Men don't pay to have their delusions crushed.
  • Lesbians are never unkempt or otherwise unattractive or fat, unless it's a fetish piece focusing on such things. Video lesbians are, as a rule, pre-supermodels.
  • In a "first time with another woman" scene (which isn't their first time at all), the "first timer" must be submissive to the "experienced user" for at least half of the feature.
  • Lesbians love Strap-ons.
  • They also love toys that light up, make funny noises or otherwise look like fad childrens toys.
  • They are also totally into doing it in the shower.
  • Unless it is a dom/sub scene, the actresses will show very little actual inhibitions. Coy and shy is okay, but they are never reserved. The image we're trying to make here is that behind closed doors, out of the view of men, all women are nymphos when they want to be.

Whew, that's a long list. and that's just the stuff I remember him saying. Sort of takes all of the flair and novelty out of it, doesn't it?

C'mon, you didn't actually believe it was real, did you?

Oh, well I'm so sorry for you then.

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