The thing about having a big old-fashioned clawfoot tub is that you kind of subconsciously expect it to get filthy. It's old, old things get grungy. We never cleaned that tub and it was gross.

I go to work with lemon fresh pine sol and scrubby things and crummy old clothes I kind of want to ruin anyway. I am cleaning the tub instead of doing something else but I don't remember what, probably something that would further my career or help me grow as a person.

Alice comes in the bathroom and says Whatcha doin. I'm in the bathtub scrubbing and she says Whatcha doin so I say BAKING A CAKE ALICE. I am in no mood.

Alice says You're awful cute when you're domestic. I say Thank you Alice. I'm cuter when I'm grateful and I'm grateful when people help me. She says No and sits on the toilet seat.

I scrub and scrub. I don't really mind it. I always think I'm going to mind it but it's nice to grind off the dirt, rubbing wide clean streaks. It's not a bad job but I can't help but be cranky that Alice is going to sit there like she always does. Sit around looking useless while I take care of things.

My legs and shorts are all wet with water and lemon fresh pine sol. OOO wet ass you know I like that, says Alice. Sexy! says Alice. Bend over so I can get me an eyefulla them sweet cheeks, says Alice. She starts making all these pornstar sex noises and using her deep dumb fratboy voice. This is the worst fuckme talk I've ever heard.

OOO yeah I wanna fuck you right there in the tub I want to see your luscious legs hanging over the edge all sudsy. I want to taste your pine sol lips honey baby ooo scrub me lemon fresh raw. She's grunting and moaning as she runs her fingernails in slow circles over my ass. I say Alice you fuckin lunatic dyke will you get control of yourself. Hell yes I'm laughing, how could I not be laughing by now.

And I turn around and I see she is my beautiful green-eyed troublemaker Alice. Who what she loves most of all is being ridiculous and what she loves most right after that is me.

I say Alice I reek. She says I know you do and she kisses me, leaning over from the toilet.


We should have filmed that, she says afterwards. We could make a fortune. I laugh and push her away. Get off, Alice. You reek.

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