WARNING! SPOILERS ARE COMING TO TOWN! YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!
Title: "Merry Christmas, Justice League--NOW DIE!"
Release Date: January 2002
Writer: Mark WaidPenciller: Cliff RathburnInker: Paul NearyJLA Members: Plastic Man,
Superman,
Batman,
Wonder Woman,
Green Lantern,
the Flash,
the Martian Manhunter,
Aquaman... and
Santa Claus.
Guest Stars: Woozy Winks,
Wanda Winks, and
Weezer Winks.
Bad Guys: Neron.
Cameos: Mrs. Claus and
the Time Commander.
So what happens?Plastic Man is visiting his old pal
Woozy Winks, who is helping his sister Wanda decorate for
Christmas and watch over her son Weezer. Weezer is a
handful, so Plas volunteers to tuck the kid in so his mom and uncle can put his new
bicycle together. Plas tells Weezer that he better get into bed, because Santa Claus doesn't come to visit until the kids are
asleep, but Weezer scoffs, claiming that Santa is made up and dumb and boring and only for
little kids. Plas reveals the
shocking fact that Santa Claus is a JLA member! Weezer is disbelieving, but Plastic Man obligingly relates the story...
Spurred by good old-fashioned
Christmas spirit, the Justice League elects Santa as their newest member, but are horrified when a
demonic little
gingerbread man appears before them and announces tons of bad news -- Santa's
workshop has laid off scads of elves,
naughty children are outnumbering
nice children, and Neron, the ruler of
Hell, has been giving kids cool
toys in exchange for having them do evil things! So Santa headed for the Gate to Hell (conveniently located in
New Jersey) to lay some
whup-ass on Neron and his evil
imps. But Neron has been trading toys for children's
youthful energy and using that enthusiasm to power Hell, making him strong enough to easily imprison
Kris Kringle.
Is the JLA going to stand for that? NO FREAKIN' WAY! They charge down to Hell and start kicking demonic tail until they discover Santa, imprisoned in the bubble-pack of a giant
action figure package! However, while they're working to free
St. Nick, Neron turns them all into...
COAL! And then he stuffs them into his Christmas
stocking! ('cause, see, Neron's been a bad boy, and bad boys get coal in their stocking. Hell, don't blame me, Plastic Man's telling this story.)
Luckily, the Justice League had weakened Santa's prison enough that he was able to escape using his
Heat Vision! (I'd like to know what Plastic Man smokes) Santa battles the minions of Hell, but he's just one
old fat man with Heat Vision -- he gets overwhelmed by superior numbers. But Santa has a plan -- he gives Neron a wrapped
present -- Neron's
obsessive about
bargaining for what he wants, so getting a
gift, given freely and with
no strings attached, tends to knock him flat on his ass. But the kicker is what Santa has given the Lord of Hell:
socks and
underwear! Utterly defeated, Neron explodes. Santa magics the Justice League back to normal, everyone celebrates Santa's membership in the League aboard the Watchtower, and all is right with the world, amen!
Weezer is not, however, particularly amused by the
story. He still doesn't
believe in Santa Claus, and he certainly doesn't believe that Plas is any good at telling stories. But then Plas and Weezer both see Santa Claus fly past the window and use his
Heat Vision to burn "
Merry Christmas" into a snowbank. Weezer immediately believes in the truth of Plastic Man's story and in the
existence of Santa; Plastic Man, knowing very well how full of
bulldada he is, feels very puzzled.
The
truth is revealed outside: Plastic Man accidentally left his JLA signal device on, and Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter heard all of Plas' story while they were capturing a
supervillain. The Manhunter shapeshifted himself into Santa as a
prank...
And as J'onn and GL fly off, a bearded figure in red, with a small herd of
reindeer at his side, watches bemusedly. "Heat Vision?" he scoffs. "The
imagination of some people..."
Cool Moments!The whole thing was plenty
funny and pleasantly
Christmasy, too --
holiday comics rarely work properly, but this one was
dandy. Oh, and the socks and underwear gag was
gold.
Cool Quotes!Weezer: "Was Batman there?"
Plastic Man: "Yes."
Weezer: "I like Batman."
Plastic Man: "Yes. We all
love Batman."
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