July 22, 2001

Good evening and welcome to the end of my teenage years. Yes, that is correct, you may no longer refer to me as an angst ridden teen frothing at the mouth with bitter stories of life related woe and how it has rested upon my shoulders and oh, oh.. how it causes my little soul to ache, etc. Do I gain any credibility now? Most probably I shouldn't, I've changed a lot over the last year but it has little to do with my age at all. Age. What a silly concept, and sillier how all our time here is divided.. silly and wonderful.

I started writing here when I was anything but happy or content for stretches of time in excess of an hour or two. I was younger. I was sheltered and I was in some place I called home, and spent far too much time trying to figure out why it felt so wrong there. There were different, less real people in my life then, as well. I grew through that, too, and had it not been for that period in my life, I would not be here.

So I am turning twenty. It's insignificant to me in a lot of ways, I don't feel older, but it still seems like a time to sit and ponder what's gone on this last year or so. I think I'd rather divide life up into categories that correspond with phases. Leetle life phases.. the fly eating phase, the swearing phase, the poking phase, and the dolphin phase wherein I pretend I am a dolphin for extended periods of time, I can't seem to grow out of that one.

We went strolling around Boston today.. stumbled inadvertantly past some people who caused me once again to question my faith in humanity and remind me why leaving familiarity and trusting yourself to the universe is such a difficult thing for me to do. We walked through the holocaust memorial and the remaining faith I had slipped away for a while.. We also spent a small bit of time standing near the water's edge in the public gardens, and I fell in love with the little ducklings learning how to dive under water whilst their mother watched from the shore. So sweet and beautiful and innocent and so I guess there is still hope for anything, anyone, humans.. probably.

I don't write here much anymore.. but it meant a lot to a certain point in my life and there are so many brilliant little minds floating around this place, I read things here that just aren't anywhere else.

So, to the people who've made this year amazing for me.. and to the people who helped me through all of the previous years that brought me here.. I don't have words, so I will simply say.. mo.

Some of my friends and I had a great time at this place close to my work called Flat Top Johnnie's. We got there about 5pm and ended up leaving about 11:30...the beer was good and we laughed a lot. It was really great.

Our waitress was pretty quiet, until she decided to clean our ashtray, and ended up spilling it on the guy next to me. Not only did she apologize, but all of the sudden she was a lot more friendly. I think she was having a very busy night; it looked like her and one other person was waiting on the whole place, and there were probably like 80 people there.

At one point we were even ready to leave...we paid our bill and then sat for another 15 minutes, finishing off what we thought was our last drink. Then someone said they wanted another and we ended up with another round...then another friend and his SO shows up...heh heh, that got us all going again, and we ended up ordering more food at that point.

I can remember having these types of good times a lot more often, when I was back in school. We would sit at Taco Cabana or someplace else that stayed open late and had outdoor tables. Nowadays, these lengthy good times come less often (I think we are all busier) so I appreciate them that much more.

I went to work again today. I'm really growing sick and tired of working on weekends. While the company that I work for likes to profess the importance of it's employees, they seem to care little for the effect of their decisions on employees.
Perhaps this is a common occurence in large corporations such as the one that I work for, but it is hard to stay loyal to a company which is not in turn loyal to you.
However, I got to meet my girlfriend for lunch and that made my whole day improve. I wonder why it is that meeting the people one loves makes everything seem all sunshine lollipops.
Even if you see them every day.
I met her again after work and we watched Planet of the Apes, which surprisingly neither of us had ever seen. It was a good movie, but the end was kind of silly.

Dear beloved Bed,

Since I started working the night shift, I feel like we've grown so far apart. We just never seem to spend time together. At night, I just want to curl up with you, to feel your comforting warmth, but you seem so impossibly far away. I miss you so much, and sometimes... sometimes I just can't take it.

I have a confession.

I know that you've been suspicious. Yesterday, I came home and even though you were made up so beautifully with your clean, unruffled sheets and your pair of soft, supple, freshly fluffed pillows, I just wasn't in the mood. I think you know why.

I...I've slept with someone else.

Last night my longing for you became unbearable and I... I did something stupid. I slept with the floor at work. I don't know why I did it. Just to fill the void left by your absence, I think. I didn't even enjoy it! The floor left me so unsatisfied! As we slept together, all I could think about was how much better you were, how much I missed you.

I know we've had some hard times. Remember that weekend I was out of town? I know all about how you slept with two of my roommate's guests at the same time! You didn't think I knew, but I did. That hurt.

We've been through a lot and I know we can work out these problems though. I love you, bed.

-l+f

16:06

Card just informed me that one of our EFnet friends was found dead in her apartment yesterday.
I don't have to tell you how much this fucking sucks. She was 29 years old. I keep hoping it's only the single sickest joke ever and she'll join the channel at any moment.
In addition to the sadness, I feel angry at myself for not getting to know her better during all the years we idled on the same channel. Sure, there was the issue of timezones - when I was off work she was working, and when she got off work I was already sleeping.. But that's no excuse. We talked every now and then, but it was mostly just normal shallow chitchat. And now there's nothing left to be done.

In the end, life goes on. If anything, this will make me try to tighten my relationships to friends who are still with us. I was originally going to write a typical day log whining about my mundane "problems", but they seem unbelieveably unimportant at the moment.
Goodbye, Amy.

18:52

I see the Systematically Downvoting Pussies™ are busy today. Go ahead and do your worst. It would take a lot more than a few pathetic cowards to stop me from noding.

That being said, today has been a good day for noding. But that is probably only because I am subconsciously trying to put off what I am supposed to be doing: filling out some BS forms for the Finnish military.
I guess there's no point in fighting it. I will spend 13 months of my life in civil service, and my "service" will most likely begin in less than 12 months. It's not that I'm complaining - there are countries where the only options are army and prison. With my extensive experience with geeky stuff I will most likely be able to get a job doing some more geeky stuff. A few more lines to add to my curriculum vitae. The downside is that I am used to working for a paycheck. The pay one gets from civil service is.. Well, a joke.
It also sucks that although I have no intention of serving my country in the military, I have to fill up their moronic forms and take their psychologic tests.. Even when I have already done this twice 2 and 4 years ago. I also have to attend two physical examinations tomorrow and on Tuesday. I guess all this is a small price to pay for being born in a country with thousand lakes, a high standard of living and no ongoing conflicts.

00:05

Apologies for the outburst in the previous update.. I haven't been in the best of moods since I heard the news. Not that I wouldn't stand behind my words. There just might be more pleasant and PC ways to say them.
The forms are filled out, and tomorrow morning I'm heading for the first checkup. As my quest for a healthier way of life has been moving towards way too slowly, I'm excepting harsh words and feeling guilty about not trying hard enough afterwards. Plus plenty of silent discontent from my boss about missing a work trip due to my chekups. A perfect way to start the week, eh? :)

Went to the flea market to sell some wares today and was overwhelmed by the abundance of heavily tattooed peoples. It seems as if nearly all of the folks in central New Jersey decided to come outside in their halter tops, muscule shirts and hairy backs to display thier body art. I was especially surprised by the amount of older people, mostly women with tats. When I abandoned my table to browse other people's offerings, I made the mistake of stopping at a table that had Chick tracts on them. Two fanatical leather clad christian bikers (Hell's Angels for Jesus?) started psycho blabbing to me, maybe because I was the only one dumb enough to stop at their table. I made it my duty to politley end the preaching and get along on my way, before they got their biker buddies to chain whip me or ass rape me for not immediatley converting to foaming at the mouth fanatacism.

I broke down and purchaced an ipaq pocket pc wince device. Guess what the was the first thing I did with it? That's right! I put some porn on it! Sung Hi Lee's head looks kinda funny all cropped down from 800x600 to 320x240. Now I must figgure out how to get E2 as an avantgo channel, or other web clipping service

Having no friends can really fatigue a person. I haven't done anything today but buy some strings for my guitar, but it's 9:30 and I'm dead tired. I got at least 8 hours of sleep last night. Yesterday Tim said he would call me and invite me over to his pad today, but he didn't. I guess this is penance for being a dick. It's been half a year, I wonder if that's long enough?

Nekojin's WU for the entire weekend of 7/22/2001(Because I don't believe that I need to make 3 WU's when one will do):

Friday, 7/20/2001:
Andara and Amidala-Chan were about two hours later than expected arriving at my house for the trip to the San Diego Comic Convention, owing mostly to Amidala-Chan having to wait for a train.

Our reservations at the Motel 6 turned out to be mostly mythical. The site we reserved through overbooked the motel, resulting in us ALMOST being turned away.

Fortunately, one room was refused by the person it was assigned to (Probably due to the toilet's handle sticking), and so we squeaked in, preventing us from having to stay in a hotel that was 5 miles further from the conventions we were attending. By the time we actually got to our room, Andara and Amidala-Chan were not interested in doing anything more than sleeping. I still wanted to go to CritterConDiego 2, however, so I went off on my own.

I am now convinced that Downtown San Diego's streets were made by a psychotic. I ended up going North instead of West because of one-way streets, and missed the hotel that it was at. As a result, I ended up arriving at CritterCon about 20 minutes later than if I had managed to go straight there.

Friday's CritterCon was mostly uneventful, but I got Mitch Beiro to "deflower" one of my sketchbooks, which made the trip worthwhile.

Saturday, 7/21/2001:
I didn't sleep well, owing partially to excitement and partially to a mild sinus infection. Ouch.

All three of us got up early and had breakfast before heading to the convention. At the convention, I got sketches from Stan Sakai, Wendy Pini, and Dan DeCarlo (I was the last person to get an on-the-spot sketch from Dan; his manager insisted on slowing down the sketching and working on other matters after that), among others. =^_^=

Andara and I headed up to see Spider and Jeanne Robinson speak, and had a grand time, hearing them both read passages from their books, listening to Spider sing, and being part of the Q&A session. After that, we went to the autograph signing session for Spider (which, owing to scheduling restrictions, had to be in a different part of the convention center than the speaking engagement). While waiting in line, we ran into several E2 users. Sorry, guys, but I forgot who you were! We each were among the first people to get Spider's newest book, The Free Lunch, autographed by Spider. =^_^=

We wandered around the convention further, and found one of the booths that had vending machines for anime-related toys. Both Amidala-Chan and Andara each ended up getting Inu Yasha figures, and I got a few Lupin III figures.

We left the SDCC to go have dinner, then went to CritterCon. I sold several hentai dojinshi, which was a good thing, since I was running low on funds by that point. I was pleased that Amidala-Chan had a good time at CritterCon, since she's not into the whole Furry thing.

Sunday, 7/22/2001:
We all get up much later than we had on Saturday, but that's no big deal. We again hit Jack In The Box for breakfast, and head for the convention. We don't have anything planned for the day, so we just wander the Dealer Room floor.

I got sketches from Phil Foglio and Diana Sprinkle (She's one of the artists on Saiko and Lavender), among others.

After several hours, we all agree that we've had enough, and leave the convention, tired but very happy.

It sometimes seems impossible that this feeling could ever last. For I have never been that lucky. But if I could wish for one thing, I would wish for you to always be here with me. For if I had you the sun would always shine and I would never again feel the true force of sadness. I have seen first hand the cruelty and cold-hearted touch of today’s society. I have felt the burn of life’s adversities. And yet here I am every day soaring across heaven with you by my side. There are no words that could fully describe the emotions I feel towards you. The soft “I Love you’s” whispered into the night cannot reach the full depth of how much you mean to me. I personally have never believed in a god but I find my self praying every day, thanking ‘god’ for sending you. Still, my apprehension eats at my soul. I am scared of a life with out time spent with you. I fear the dagger that you may someday thrust into my heart. But most of all, I fear falling in love…

I realize that I cannot stop the feelings that you cause to erupt in my heart. I have tried. But, the Brick wall I have built to protect me has been ripped apart leaving me defenseless. I know that my life will go on with out you, and that I would never stop you if you choose to leave. But please understand that my heart will never forget the nights I have spent in your arms. Time may someday age the emotions that I hold for you, but it will never erase them completely. I have surrendered to my biggest fear; I have fallen in love with you.