Today I do not really feel like writing this. Last night the girls
said they were going to make supper, they said they were going to unload
the dishwasher, and clean the kitchen up after supper was ready. They
didn't do any of these things. I made supper, their older sister emptied
the dishwasher, and my husband cleaned the kitchen. I woke up earlier
this morning, and I actually had a lot of fun biking in to school with
my oldest. My youngest left earlier than we did. My oldest has a
softball game and band today. She was crying because she had to carry
her backpack, lunch, softball bag, and her clarinet. I asked if she
needed help, she asked if I would bring her softball bag to school, and
wanted to know if I could transport her clarinet which I was able to do
for her.
The parenting class is paying dividends. The girls are suffering the
consequences of their actions, and learning that their clarinet and lost
soccer cleats are not mom and dad's problem. They are making mistakes
at a younger age, and I've really seen a dramatic attitude change in my
oldest. Last night she remembered that she had forgotten to have me sign
some homework of hers. I didn't say anything about the sheet of paper
she left on my desk, this morning I was pleasantly surprised when I
asked her about it on the way to school, and she remarked that it was in
her backpack in her binder.
Yesterday she reminded me that she had a softball game. I like the
communication, but I felt there was perhaps an expectation that I would
be responsible for gathering her uniform and equipment so I asked what
her plans were for that after I thanked her for letting me know about
the game. She said she had thrown her uniform downstairs. My policy is
to wash clothes when I have a full load so as not to waste water,
energy, or soap. The girls have a nice sea of
clothing littering their bedroom floor. They took showers last night so
this morning the only towels I could find for the adults in the house
were crumpled up on their floor since I had thrown the others down to
get washed.
These are small things now, but small lessons can add up to the
realization that when it comes time for softball or soccer, they need to
be prepared since neither their father, nor I went into their room and
strew their shin guards and uniforms around. I would love for the girls
to continue playing soccer. The exercise is wonderful, I really like the
coaches, and the social aspects are rewarding for us ladies. Another
improvement I've seen lately is that my oldest daughter is much better
about accepting what her parents say even though she may not like it.
There's a YouTube video that illustrates what happens when people have
an attitude problem. Ridiculousness is heaped on until the person stops
bitching. I love it, and it's nice to see the girls starting to grasp
that sometimes, life sucks, and complaining about it only makes it
worse.
I had to talk to the students in after school care about lining up
again yesterday. I didn't like it, but it was interesting to hear how
quickly they were able to come up with the right answers when I took
behavior out of a recess situation. If everyone on the highway is
speeding, and I am pulled over, the police don't care if I was moving
with the flow of traffic. I can read the posted speed limits, and I'm
responsible for operating my motor vehicle safely. I also gave the kids a
grocery store example. If I lose my job, and I go to the store, the
store will not give me food unless I have money to pay for it. We talked
about effective teachers, and cooperation. From my examples they could
see that I was better off if I cooperated with my boss and they were
able to explain that people who are ineffective at their jobs get fired.
I really don't think I'm in danger of getting fired for being
ineffective. I don't have a formal teaching degree, and I wouldn't
necessarily say that being a parent makes one effective at managing
children effectively, but I think I do a good job when I'm there. I
don't raise my voice. I interact with the kids. I keep them safe, and I
make them accountable. I also like to have fun with the kids, and since
I'm not there all the time, and I don't really have to teach them
anything as far as a curriculum goes, I'm able to do things their
regular teachers may not have time for.
I still haven't heard whether school wants me back next year. They
could be assuming I'll be back, not talking to me about it could be
their way of letting me go, I'd like to know either way, and I'm going
to talk to my boss about it today even though I'm not really looking
forward to the conversation. It feels confrontational to me even though
as an employee, I have the right to ask questions about my future. Part
of my problem, I was talking to a friend of mine about this yesterday,
I'm not really sure what I want to do. I really enjoy working with the
kids. Yesterday a girl that is almost always the last one to get picked
up wrote me a beautiful letter of apology. I wrote her back, and I felt
bad that she had to speak to someone else about not lining up when I
called because she is usually not disobedient like that.
The After School Care program has a lot of potential. I think I'm
able to connect with the kids, I'm not perfect, there are things I could
be doing differently, but for the most part, I feel that I'm a top
notch employee, and I've gotten a lot of very positive feedback from the
students and parents alike. I didn't get very many things crossed off
of my list yesterday. I wrote some things, and I'm still having fun
playing around with my characters. There are some things I need to do
with them, but right now this is a very rough draft, and as a friend of
mine reminded me, you don't want to stop the flow of a piece by worrying
about what you're putting down. My new plan is to just get it out
regardless of how poor the quality may be since there will be time later
to go back and clean things up.
I can't remember if I've written about this already, maybe I have,
but I have May's bills paid, and a check I can cash tomorrow. I can pay
part of June's bills with my paycheck. My step-daughter owes me some
rent money. She's been an absolute witch lately, and the talk my husband
had with her hasn't helped as far as I'm concerned. If she doesn't like
it here, she's free to move out. I went into her room yesterday, found
an empty oyster tin with a fork in it, an empty microwave container of
soup, a cereal bowl with a spoon, and she left a banana peel on my
coffee table that had stuck to the surface.
Urban decay is not usually applied to the inside of people's minds,
but that's my term for people who shun fresh air and favor tattoos,
printed t-shirts with unwholesome imagery, an attitude problem, and have
an endless stream of complaints about anything and everything. Things
happen to them, they don't make things happen. I saw a Facebook post
after my husband told me about it. There was a comment about applying
for customer service jobs and fucking hating people. That earned an
unfriending from my father-in-law, she's burning bridges, and I think
she's going to regret that later on in life because her grandpa is in a
position to help her financially, and I've heard that he's willing to do
that, but he's not into handouts, and I can't explain to her that her
life would be easier if she put a little more into her work and family
life.
My husband has a chance to go to Florida for a conference. We had
talked about taking the girls, but none of them have earned that type of
a trip. I don't really want to go to Disney World. It would probably be
a neat trip for the girls, but that's a lot of money, and they're
getting to the point where the things they like are more expensive, and
I'm not really interested in taking anyone who can't do the minimum
they're expected to do at home. This is my last full week of work. In a
way, I'm excited. In another way, the loss of work means less paycheck,
and less money to pay my bills along with anything unexpected. I have a
lot of thinking to do about what I want to do, and what my options are,
there are no real easy answers here.
Take care,
jess