Her: "No."
Me: "Huh?"
Her: "No! The President doesn't want pudding. He wants Jell-O."


Her: (sarcastically): "Yeah, or a FAX MACHINE."
Me: "What??"
Her: "A fax machine!"
Me: "What? Why are you talking about fax machines?!"
Her: "You brought it up!"

--Snowy (9/3/00)

"You better have gotten the pancake mix and the waffles for breakfast tomorrow, or I'm going to kick your ass."

--My friend's younger brother

(sits up)
"Stop chucking white shit at me!"
(attempts to wipe imaginary white shit off of himself)
(lays back down)


(sits up suddenly)
"I'm picking my nose."
(picks his nose)
"Okay, I'm done."
(lays back down)


"Oh yeah. I'm supposed to remind you. You have to pay for the food in the dream, or else it won't be there when you wake up."

--Snowy (9/12/00)

People have told me that I have said these things while asleep:

(I vaguely remember this conversation even though I was asleep)
Me: "Why is daddy talking to the mailman?"
Mom: "What do you mean? Your father is in there asleep."
Me: "Daddy is going to post office college to become a courier when I get back from the kennel"

"When I grow up, I don't want to be an ordinary stripper, stripping for money. I want to strip for potpourri!"

Me: "Yeah, the education sucks but the sex is great"
Friend: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "Mr. Scholl. He has some great sex tapes in his desk., Nancy does New York, Carla does Conneticut. Debbie Does Dallas..."
Friend: "Um..."
Me: "But MY favorite, starring Mr. Scholl and I.. was Aimee does Alabama"

I once had a friend spend the night at my house and we were watching lesbian porn on the Spice Channel. That night, I heard her saying something in her sleep like, "Aimee--I thought we agreed not to use your radio dildo because it made me hemmorhage."
... I never said anything to her about this in the course of our friendship.

Depending on how the pauses ran, it was either "Get off, Jocasta, it's my turn!" or "Get off Jocasta! It's my turn!"

My college roomate, after reading Oedipus

After 4 Hours of Quake 3

me (in hypnagogic state): Hey Allen, which team are you on?
roommate: Uh.....red team.
me: (scathingly) Pfft. Red team sucks.

My other roommate has the unusual habit of sleeping with his eyes open and there have been plenty of times that I've carried on short conversations with him even though he was far from conscious. A memorable one:

me: I'm going to the vending machine, August, how many cookies do you want?
him: ...unnh?
me: One? You sure you don't want two?
him: Tooo...
me: Ok, do you want anything to drink?
me: August???

My wife talks business in her sleep (she's in finance). She always claimed I was making it up when I told her she woke me up yet again with sleep-talking. She began accusing me of sleep-hearing, or listening to non-existant conversations in my sleep (that hurt my brain).

One day she was agitated about someone from work and was bitchy all evening. When she woke me up with her sleep-talking, I had a notepad and pen at the ready to record her information. The next morning I read my notes and began to talk to her about Mr. C. Ranboe, about his account information, his social security number, her conversations with him on the phone, etc. She was totally floored. Apparently she was reliving parts of her workday in her sleep.

I convinced her to change jobs. If you had to dream about a job, it would be better to have one you enjoy.


Another fun sleeptalking incident is when I spent the night at my friends house. I slept on a futon in his room, and was woken up by shouting. My friend was having an argument with his sister two rooms down, but they were both sleeping! At breakfast I told them about it, and they vehemently denied it until everyone started quoting the argument. It had awakened the household.


Update: January 10, 2001

I was trying to wake my wife up this morning. She rolled over mumbling, then sat upright and yelled at me, "If you don't stop fucking Milla, I will break your coffee cup."

Probably has something to do with my infatuation with Milla Jovovich. First time I was ever jealous of someone else's dream.

I guess I was about 11 or 12 when one of my friends was sleeping over at our place. I woke up in the middle of the night, I don't know what woke me, but I saw my friend sitting up on his mattress. "What's up?", I asked him. He said "I hafta go home", and he stood up with eyes still closed. I told him, "Hey, you're sleep-walking, wake up and get back to bed". Then all of the sudden, he just takes off and runs at a closed door which took to the hallway. *BAM!* And he didn't even wake up! I got up and went to him, asked if he was ok and all. He was just mumbling something and holding his head. I put him back to bed and got back to sleep myself too. In the morning when I told him about this, he was sure I had made it all up.

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