Here's a weird test I had to take in my "Philosophy of Love and Sexuality" class. The professor called it "A Perverse Test," and it consisted of seven survey questions. Obviously, there were no right or wrong answers, but now that the semester is nearly over, he typed up all the answers and gave them to us as a handout. Here are some choice selections.

1: Do you think that one person having sex (attempting orgasm) with a vegetable (pumpkin, carrot, cucumber, squash) is perverse? (Not used as a sex toy between two persons, but one person with a vegetable.)

• Yes. The society I have been brought up in makes me see things only one way.
• No, go to town on a vegetable. As long as it is personal and private.
• Of course not. Let us enjoy the fruits of the earth however we can.
• I do not think it is perverse. Personally, I would not enjoy such a thing or hearing about it. If someone wants to fuck a vegetable, they should really keep it to themselves.
• It is not perverted, as long as those bastards at McDonald's don't put it in my hamburger afterwards.

2: Do you think that having sex (attempting orgasm) with a fruit (melon, banana, grapes, pineapple) is perverse? (One person with fruit.)

• Most fruits would be alright, but a fruit salad would be disgusting.
• No, but vegetables would be better (less sugar).
• No. Why not? Fruit club rules!

3: Is it perverse for a human to engage sexually with an animal (pet, or stranger)? Examples: human with dog or cat; human with bird. A boy masturbates his pet cat, or a girl tickles her bird into orgasm.

• Has the animal consented to this?
• I believe it is perverse to have sex with animals. Did you see Animal Farm? That chicken exploded, man, and that's just nasty.
• Look it, if your cat's in heat and won't shut up and you just want to get some sleep, sometimes it's convenient to just take a Q tip and some Vaseline and just help her out a little.
• Not perverse, as long as the pet doesn't get pregnant. I ain't paying no child support for no budgie.

4: Is it perverse to watch two animals start having sexual relations in front of you (rather than turning away, or stopping them)? Is it perverse to let animals have sex in front of the whole family?

• My family has a tradition where we gather around the living room and attempt to get Sparky to have sex with the goldfish.
• Watching a bull have sexual relations with a cow or any two large animals is too humorous to turn away from. A friend's cat used to hump a feather duster; this too was hysterical.
• No, it's funny. It's nature. No one gets hurt.
• Well, on the farm....
• Yes, you are just getting your thrills from your dog, Spunky, and his girlfriend; that is sick.

5: Is sex between species (members of different life-forms which cannot reproduce with each other) perverse? Examples: Human inseminates pumpkin, or cat inseminates fish.

• Yes. What the hell! Why would an animal want to do this?
• No. But is it possible?
• Impossible scenario.
• I don't think the cat-fish scenario is possible.
• Thanks! Up until now pumpkin pie was my favourite dessert. Imagine thinking about what someone might have done to the filling!
• Some of my favourite films are based on this subject.

6: Was the Marquis de Sade the most perverted man that ever lived? Is it perverted for a middle-aged man to attempt orgasm with young girls (early teens, "Lolita"-type relationship)?

• No, my uncle Hector was the most perverted man that ever lived, but I think he had genuine feelings for those tadpoles.
• The man presents a good argument for abortion. I would be curious about his childhood.
• It's not perverted. All the young girl's parts are in working order. It's merely a difference in taste.
• The Marquis de Sade was God.
• No. He just had the balls to write down what he thought.

7: Is it perverse to always want sex in one way (one position, for example the missionary position)?

• No, if that's what does it for you, go nuts.
• Absolutely disgusting!
• No. One might want to look at the intention, though; if someone limits himself or herself out of fear or neurosis, this is not healthy; but if it is out of careful and self-aware selection, what is wrong with that?
• No, but it is perverse to think about missionaries when you are having sex.

Today, the professor of this class said of A Perverse Test: "Don't worry, you all passed."

What I want to know is, does that mean no one's a pervert, or we're all perverts?