The problem with many crack houses is a combination of the lack of furniture, questionable structural integrity, and overall squalor. So, without further ado, I offer you Martha Stewart's tips for turning a crack house into a crack home.

• Empty crack vials can make wonderful beaded curtains. Just tie them in rows to those bits of exposed electrical wire (you don't need it, anyway, since you don't pay the bills), and hang in the nearest doorway.
• Insist that the men you sleep with for crack wear condoms; weave them into a lovely doily for keeping your crack pipe on.
• You've certainly lost all your teeth from months -- even years -- of neglect; why not turn them into a lovely rock garden?
• Also, your hair. It's falling all over the floor anyway, why not turn it into a throw rug?
• Finally, why not use your butane torch to light a scented candle? It would do wonders to cover up the stench of rotting flesh and stale sex.

Just think, in only a few days you can go from living in a slum to living in a flop house! It's a Good Thing.

This has been a nodeshell rescue.