(idea) by Art Tatum Wed Aug 23 2000 at 3:26:06

  • The left lane is only for passing on the Interstate. When driving on regular city roads, the left lane is for turning left. If you know you'll need to make a turn, get in the proper lane as far ahead as possible and stay there. This cuts down on lane changes, making your chances of living to a ripe old age much higher.
  • The speed limit is the speed limit. If the pretty little sign says "45" this means you should go no more than 47.5 and not less than 42.5. You should not go 55, nor 65, nor 120. You are not exempt from traffic laws, no matter what your jack-ass hot-shot jock nature tells you. Furthermore, you are not exempt from laws of physics. People will say, "No! It's the speed relative to what everyone else is going!" This is true. 5 mpH difference from the flow of traffic is dangerous. But, y'know what? That's what the speed limit is for. 45 is a reference point from which you should not deviate more than 2.5 mpH above or below. Plus, traffic engineers partly determine the speed limit according to things like the curves in the road (which you can only take safely at certain speeds) and congestion (which tends to limit the safe speed you can travel at). Also, remember that the traffic light network is set up with people going a certain speed in mind. And not getting stopped at lights is far more significant in making good time than high speed.
  • Don't go slow, either. If you go too slowly, the aforementioned "jack-ass hot-shot jocks" will try to pass you with great velocity and reckless abandon, very likely causing a severe accident. If you can't go the speed limit for some reason (you're very old and don't trust your reaction times, you're driving a moped, whatever) then don't drive.
  • Surprising as it may seem, you are neither invincible nor are you a great driver with incredible control and skill. Doing stupid things to demonstrate your imagined skill is going to get someone killed (possibly you).
  • When you see an accident, fire, hostage situation, or anything else interesting, do not slow down to watch as you go by. If it's really worth watching, it will be on the 11:00 news; you can set your VCR to tape it.
  • Remember, the purpose of driving is to get from point A to point B. This is the one and only purpose of driving. This rules out: talking on the phone, applying makeup, reading, eating, having sex, or any other thing you might think of doing. You can do all of these things and more when you get to your destination.

    • I like it!