While I sit and piss away the hours on irc and facebook and e2 (definitely gonna go to bed at 10, definitely gonna go to bed at 11, definitely gonna go to bed at 12), it hits me.
I've turned back into a useless jackass.
For the longest time, my weekends were filled with meaningless wank (both figurative and literal). I didn't hang out with my friends much and I didn't work on many of my own projects much. I just sat around on irc and whacked off. But at some point during mid-2009 I realized (with a little help) that if I wanted my days to not suck, I'd need to fill them with something other than watching anime and feeling bad about myself. So I got a life. It wasn't an impressive one, but at least I was hanging out with people I liked and doing things I enjoyed. At some point during early 2010 I realized that while sitting around the bonfire and making dick jokes was fun, it wasn't really accomplishing much. So I started to work on my own projects. I cleaned out my bedroom, got started on my pile of unread books, started making Russian flashcards, and generally learned a lot about the world I lived in.
And I don't know when that stopped. It might have been when I moved back to my dad's house, fully ten miles away from anyone I knew with no reliable Internet connection. It might have been when I fulfilled my graduation requirements at the high school and started getting up at 9:00. All I know is that I've spent the last three weekends sitting idly around the house, reverted fully to the malaise of 2008.
I used to write ten-page term papers in an hour, and now I struggle all day with a ten-paragraph node. I used to memorize twenty Russian words a day, and now I pause for a minute and a half while I remember how to say "twenty" in Russian. I used to get up at 6:00 every morning and drive to a school I hated by 7:00, and now that I genuinely want to show up at 7:00, I lose track of time and stay up until 1:30 am every night for a week. Including tonight.
God dammit.