August 17, 2000 (idea)

I am trying to overcome my overwhelming fear of everything! Not this place, but just about everything else.

I sat and watched the tour groups walk by this morning. All the new freshmen on the campus tour. I realized how much I wanted to be taking classes. The sun was out and the day was bright with excitement, yet no, I am not taking classes. I cannot afford this place anymore and I have been too lazy to actually figure out where I might go instead. Now the semester starts in a week or so and it is too late for me.

I worked on my resume last night. A friend of mine has been telling me about this great sounding job, a few steps below a UNIX admin but with amdin potential. I had been hesitant to accept the job because I felt that if I took it I would be giving up on going back to school. How ridiculous a notion! To think, sitting here on my ass doing nothing, planning nothing - how in the heck is that any better? It's not, it's about 8 million times worse. At least if I had this job I would be making some money and that would bring me closer to being able to afford school. But alas, that is the thought process that I have been following as of late.

MarilynM quit her job yesterday. I hate when people I know quit jobs that I also have. For the last three weeks or so I find myself sitting at my desk everyday thinking, I should just quit. Even though we don't work the same shift the knowledge that she has quit is going to drive me crazy with thoughts of quitting as well. Although, yesterday wasn't so bad. They asked me to tape and they only ask the best people to tape and that made me feel good. Even though I hate the job I still want to be the best at it.

So I decided to conquer my fear of the world, or at least face it. I put my resume on monster.com and I sent a copy to my friend. I don't know what will happen with this job. It would be so perfectly Debbie to struggle with a decision like this for so long only to find out the position isn't available, or worse yet, I am not qualified. I don't think that will happen though, I was under the impression that if I applied for the job I could have it. That's probably the scary part of it. I have no problem with change, it's the speed with which change comes about. I can't handle super quick changes, I need to ahve some time to get used to the idea of change. Not a super long time but at least a week or two.

And graceful exists never seem to be my strong suit. For instance, take a look at my daylogs. There is no real end to them, they just stop.