There is a conversation I've needed to have for the longest time, but of course that doesn't mean I know how to start it. There is SO much I need to say, but I know if I start recklessly talking it will all come spilling out and the vague impression of sanity I believe I leave upon people will be destroyed. Alternatively, I hold back, am reticent, and all the links in my mind and all the pain attached stay hidden. If I do that, the whole endeavor is pointless.
I think it comes down to this, or something like this. Or something similar to something like this. I think I'm a bad person, and I need to A) learn to understand WHY I'm a bad person so I can make efforts to not be, or B) come to the realisation that I'm actually alright really.
Typing out B was difficult for me. this idea that maybe I'm actually NOT to blame seems to me like I'm trying to squirm my way out of everything that's wrong; of everything that's been wrong for the last twenty years. It's my brain trying to do acrobatics to make me feel better about myself while solving nothing.
You know how on the television words and phrases get stuck in a lead characters head, and you see them remembered and reheard throughout the episode? It's been like that for me these last few weeks. My fathers words.
WHY DO YOU THINK THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING?
WHEN WILL YOU REALISE THAT IT'S BECAUSE OF SOMETHING IN YOU?
And I don't know how to respond. I don't know where to draw the line upon all the things that have gone wrong in my life, which to determine were really my fault.
I was depressed as a teenager. Was that my fault because I was honestly kind of a little shit?
I broke my mothers arm playing hockey. So that was definitely my fault, but was it because I'm detestable as my father says, or was it just an accident?
I don't think people like me. Now that MUST be my own goddamn fault, but I just DON'T KNOW how to change things.
All my relationships break down. "I try to love you but you just make it impossible". How can I argue with such logic that isolates me as the constant factor in all my mistakes?
I was sexually assaulted last year. I could have fought more, I could have been stronger. Society tells me it's not all my fault, but what if it's just my brain trying to exonerate myself from blame? Maybe I did lead him on.
It's not some coincidence. My father's right.
This is why I have such issues with option B. Bad things happen around me, and even a 10 year old in a science class could tell you that as I'm the only constant factor, it's probably my fault. Am I simply trying to mentally justify all the things I've done wrong?
This is a conversation I need to have. Most likely in the certificate lined office of a well paid therapist.