Your friend Behr would like to reminisce about one of his favorite American holidays, Labor Day with you today on another occurance of this day!
Labor Day is a favorite day because it gives us pause to celebrate how American greatness has been built on two hundred plus years of utilizing cheap labor in the form of poor and near-poor people and drunks and other persons who would otherwise be stealing or asking for money at the bus station with a placard (large paper used as a sign) and a cup, perhaps with a musical instrument not tuned so well, but also perhaps not. At one time the Italians also used monkeys and winding organs for this purpose but we put them to work as well and drove our their inherent laziness which resulted from birth in Italy and needed to be driven out with American gumption.
One of the stories I like to recall to other successful Americans during parties, sometimes other parties than Labor Day parties depending on how much attention I have drawn to myself and how many stories I have in my memory mind and how much storytelling will be expected of me, goes back to the days when I was just starting out on the road to becoming a valued American. I was selling high powered vacuum cleaners door to door* and I was in one of the wealthy suburbs of old Baltimore. There was a large house on a hill and I hoped to make some sales there. A party was happening there, and I later discovered the man who owned the house was a Great American who was part of a family of captains of industry who had made great use of capital and cheap labor to build a successful financial empire and become Great Americans every one of them (except for one child born with polio and mental retardation in the 1930s who mysterious vanished along with two cinder blocks on a family boating trip in 1943). This man had just won a long fight with communist labor union organizers who sought higher wages and better compensation packages for the poor and unremarkable workers in his manufacturing plants and was celebrating with other Great American friends this noble victory over communism. One of the ways in which he was celebrating was by lighting cigars for himself and others with hundred dollar bills. This was a great inspiration to me at the time and set me on the correct path to becoming the Great American I now am. One of the greatest symbols of success in this, the greatest nation in the solar system, is having the freedom to do what we wish with the money we make in the course of being Great Americans.
I harken back to my youth, growing up in a house right next to the Berlin Wall. I would know the brave soldiers who patrolled the wall and made sure no one tried to go over, under or around it and sometimes we would play jacks or dodge ball or other traditional German games. At one point when I was six or seven, the two soldiers who were patrolling the wall near my father's house had met a couple of buxom German beauties who were showing ample cleavage in an attempt to distract them from their duties. They wished in the worst way to use my father's house to act upon their natural animal lusts with these ladies, but they were tied to their duties in guarding the wall. What I did then I believe truly laid the groundwork for my future adult life as a Great American. I offered to guard the wall for them while they used my house for the purposes they sought to use them for although I made them promise not to do anything too outlandish because my mother was a strong and willful woman who always knew what was going on even after it happened hours or days later. During their enchanted time in the house, which went on for nearly two hours, I found myself distracted somewhat by the piercing wail of one of these buxom women (both of which turned out to be communist transvestites, but that is a story for another time). Despite these distractions, I was able to see two men attempting to climb over the wall and used the powerful rifle my soldier friends had given me to use in doing their duties while they did their duties to shoot both of the men. One was killed instantly as bullets tore through his worthless chest. The other was wounded and in pain, so I went over to him and reminded him there were reasons to respect rules and authority (although likely in more childlike terms as I was only six or seven years of age at this time) and proceeded to fill his mouth with worm-ridden dirt after he started yelling at me in German about how the wall needed to be knocked down and other assorted nonsenses. After I finished him off by placing the sidearm loaned to me by one of the soldiers into his mouthy mouth and pulled the trigger, I sat and contemplated my patriotic actions and did not speak of them ever again until I was in a pub in England in the early 1970s. I was there having a pint (which is what they call a glass of beer in England) after having a great deal of trouble placing a call through to my father who was back in the states (this was during his work as a spy) and so I told the story to a friendly but angry young man who said his name was Robert or Roger. He seemed very interested and took a lot of notes regarding details of my story, but after he told me he was in a band, I told him I would have nothing to do with rock and rollers because they were a hotbed of homosexuality and communism.
School has begun again in the Greater Baltimore School System and last week I was told that there would only be one remedial science class for me to teach, but due to my performance and status as a Great American, the principal wanted to offer me additional duties in the form of substitute gym teacher. Apparently one of the regular gym teachers was wounded over the summer playing the Great American game of baseball on the American Legion circuit when a fastball whacked him ever so hard in the noggin and caused him long term hospitalization and Vietnam flashbacks. I jumped at the opportunity.
In checking out the first squad of boys for Behr's first class of gym, I found it easy to split them into two groups, the first being the strong and virile young men who had the potential to become Great Americans and the weaklings with acne and glasses who were destined to a life of being poor and working in the manufacturing plants for the strong and virile Great American types. Immediately I knew that I had a calling from God to set the wheels in motion early on so that they weaklings would not become tempted or seduced by the buxom transvestites who herald the advance of communism and the destruction of our great nation.
My program, which began with my first class before the break for the celebration of Labor Day, is surely in place for a semester of learning that will be more than these fledgling Great Americans and sickly weaklings (who would not even make it away from their mother's breast in infancy if we let natural selection and survival of the fittest have its way - and like I always say, we let the communists keep our sickly weaklings alive through cajoling so if they live, to the manufacturing plants with you for whatever work you may be barely capable of doing). In my gym class I have given the strong and virile youths opportunity to play basketball game or football game at their command while I make the sickly weaklings with acne and glasses spend the entire class doing sit-ups, push-ups, lap-running and spending time on their knees balancing a soccer ball on their noses. I have encouraged the virile youth to mock these weaklings so they can begin to learn their place in our great way of life and also to occasionally engage in ritual humiliation. One of my favorite virile boys in my class has developed his own special way of humiliation which has earned Behr's Seal of Approval, this special way being coming over to the weaklings while they are trying to exercise the Behr way and breaking wind into their mouths, choosing a different sickly youth each time for best maximum effect. I have also utilized the making of the taking of cold showers by the weaklings after gym class while the virile youths stare at them and laugh at their lack of manly prowess as an important part of the educational experience.
I must now finish my coffee and get ready for day of celebrating. Thank you for all your kindnesses and remember to salute the flag.
*Company will not be named due to no longer feeling willing to endorse their products due to an issue with severance pay and accusations that I acted improperly with a potential customer by engaging in unwanted "play" by inserting a finger into her vagina after slipping her a mickey. This may have happened, but I did not lose the company a sale. I knew she had not intention of buying a vacuum cleaner due to the George McGovern bumper sticker on her Peugeot, so I did not lose the company a sale so there was no harm done and I was treated unfairly by persons on a witch hunt.