Song:
(To the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Cecilia, with profound apologies:)
Ophelia, you're out of your mind
To put up with such abuse daily
Whoa, Ophelia, I just can't believe
You let those cruel men treat you so (wo, wo, wo)
Well, your dad is Polonius
And we all know what a jerk he is (jerk he is)
Using you for his purposes
Till you end up a pawn in the king's evil plan
Ophelia, they're breaking your heart
Your dad and that heartless cad Hamlet
Whoa, Ophelia, you can't take much more
But when will you snap? I'm not sure... I'm not sure.
You've gone nuts, now you sing and dance
Through the castle, giving people plants (giving
plants!)
When your boyfriend killed your dad,
What else could you do but go stark raving mad?
Background Story:
I wrote this parody towards the end of my senior year of high school, when my AP English Language class studied Hamlet. The last verse came to me in a fit of inspiration, and it was all downhill from that point on. The story would end there, except we were assigned group creative projects as a unit-concluding activity.
A few friends and I decided that most of the inhabitants of Castle Elsinore (in particular, Hamlet, Ophelia, and Laertes) could've used some pretty serious therapy---and what could be more therapeutic than a talk show appearance? So inspired, in a few short hours we'd put together a little play.
This was all before the advent of Jerry Springer's notoriety for profanity and violence, or we'd've had a lot more of that. As it was, I think our Ophelia still would've ended up reciting Columbia's monologue from The Rocky Horror Picture Show ("All you do is take, take, take..."), and it would've all degenerated into a musical sooner or later, with this little number as its grand finale.
Turns out my English teacher loves musicals. So much so that another group presenting two days later knew a great opportunity when they saw one, and rewrote their project to great effect:
"Psycho Killer, Prince of Denmark
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away"
The moral of the story: musicals are funny, parody musicals doubly so.
Epilogue:
Years later, I'm still trying to write a final verse: something to the tune of the chorus, about Ophelia's death by drowning. I haven't been too successful, so I hereby extend an invitation to E2's collective morbid sense of humor: help me finish "Ophelia", and I'll post y/our final verse here along with a suitable statement of eternal gratitude.