Anxiety is the word of the day here. Yesterday I was productive and faced many things I had been putting off or avoiding. Today I dropped my oldest off at her job. This summer she's an unpaid intern at a summer camp that our local YMCA runs. I'm really proud of her for sticking with it since she doesn't care for it. I'm a little surprised she hates it as much as she does since generally speaking she likes kids, but I worked for her main boss and felt that the communication and appreciation left much to be desired. We were late due to her doing whatever she was doing. We spoke about it in the car, it's acceptable to be late when things are out of your control as they would be if you were in a car accident. She agreed to apologize and not let it happen again which was a relief.
After dropping her off I took my youngest into the next town over to drop off my court paperwork. I had saved every sheet of correspondence, I was nervous, and it showed. I have until September 1, 2016 to pay my ticket which will help my financial situation. The previous sentence was as far as I got yesterday as I allowed anxiety and unrest to prevent me from completing this. Late last night I read an article on how to deal with a bad day. The article recommends focusing on three things you're grateful for, taking action, however small, in one of the areas you're fretting about, and getting some perspective. Days such as the ones I had yesterday are inevitable, acknowledge them, and move forward.
While we haven't followed our menu plan exactly, partially due to the newness of the system, partially due to the late start, partially because life has a way of doing things you didn't expect it to, but overall I feel as if we have made some significant progress, Last night I made a simple peanut chicken recipe. Going forward I'm going to start taking recipes to the store instead of grabbing things I'm used to having at home off the shelves and trying to figure out something from that assortment. My blood sugar is much more stable when I eat meals. This wandering into the kitchen and eating whenever is not working. I'm glad we seem to have hit on a possible solution despite it needing some tweaking. We can't expect to be experts straight out of the gate.
Today I am going to make a list of my debts and monthly bills. I'm nervous about the job situation since I fear it will impact my ability to receive health insurance. After the car accident I'm suddenly hyper aware of how close to a single catastrophic event any of us are. Insurance is a scam and a racket. There are many things wrong with the current system, but it remains in place to offer some degree of protection and treatment for those who have it if they can afford to use it. What I need to avoid is going back to the past and beating myself up for things I no longer have any control over. There were times when I carried health insurance for my family and times when we were hit with thousands of dollars of medical bills when our insurance was inadequate or we couldn't afford it.
What I need to remember is that having some uncertainty and stress in my life is no reason to derail and allow myself to let anxiety overtake me to the point where I'm a spinning eating out of control manic frenzied mess. I'm trying to be better about focusing and staying on task. I did well on Monday, yesterday was not so great. But I can take today and make that better knowing what I do now. Life will be better if I get some exercise, take a walk, eat regular meals, and clean up after myself while insisting the others that live here do the same. There are many wonderful qualities my children possess. Jill has been making friendship bracelets, she's very creative, and I'm happy she's very outgoing.
Jane is creative in a different way. She did her makeup yesterday, she only did half of her face, but she was pleased with the final result. I took her to the mall after court. She bought some things at Bath & Body Works while I sat outside on the bench waiting for her. I'm going to be okay. I may need to declare bankruptcy, I may need to get a job, I may feel crushed with debt and feel as if I have no protection from my ex, but I can't allow myself to sit and stew about everything that is not quite right in my life. I can get my sleep schedule back on track, there are small good things in this world that I can be doing. The best news is I feel very accountable which is several steps up from where I felt helpless as a jellyfish quivering in its confines at the zoo.
Today I took some anxiety medication, it takes the edge off, and that's what I need right now. I went for a very long period of time without reaching for it. I'm not sure what changed, but it's there and after seeing how far off the rails I was yesterday, I decided that the medication was the lesser of the two evils. I got to talk to the guy I like for a couple of minutes. Having him in my life has really made a difference. I wonder where things are going and realize I don't have to worry about it. For now it's enough to remember being held, hugged, and kissed, and to just enjoy this new development. I'm always impatient. This is the lesson I need to learn. I had to wait for a long time to get a date with him, it was worth it. I want to remember that.