Woke up at four and went to sleep on the couch. Slept there until I
heard the girls getting ready for school. Learned that I got some
quality sleep when I was on the couch and it made an amazing difference
in how my Monday went. Normally I drag myself out of bed dreading the
day. Today at the chiropractor one of the women asked if I was skipping
down the hall. Had a call scheduled after my appointment that I felt
went very well. A baseball coach who broke his ankle four times in high
school believes that the piece Nike put on the outside of that model was
partially or wholly responsible for the breaks so we discussed that and
a few other things.
Took a bath, fooled around on Twitter, and got ready for my call at
noon. Spoke with a gentleman who was a pitcher in high school, went to
journalism school, didn't finish, worked as a journalist doing
reporting, editing, web editing, and was able to land a great job
working for SABR down in Phoenix. About forty minutes into our call I
could no longer hear him. Perplexed, I eventually hung up and later
discovered that their office had a power outage. Had an interesting and
very enjoyable conversation with him so I'm excited for his interview on
Friday. Tried to lay down for a while, but wasn't able to actually fall
asleep.
It snowed here today so the roads are slick. Normally my oldest
daughter stays later after school, but today I picked her up early on
account of the roads. Cheerleading was cancelled and I am not
heartbroken. I bought some hamburger and chicken at the store and
dropped twenty dollars off for the principal's birthday gift that the
eighth grade room mothers are going to pick up/put together. The
majority of the time I am exhausted and sleeping on the couch showed me
what I could be like if I was routinely well rested. I need to get more
quality sleep so I have more energy and my husband wants me to sleep
with him, but I have to get better sleep and hopefully he will
understand and respect that.
I don't know why, but I never look forward to Thanksgiving at other
people's homes. I go and I try to have a good attitude, but I'm counting
down the minutes until I can make a graceful exit. I hate dinner time. I
don't like sitting down at a table because it reminds me of the many
meals I was forced to suffer through, or forced to leave, when I was
younger and a prisoner in my parents' home. While I was free to attend
school and lacked the bars on a conventional jail cell, both of my
parents ruled with differing weights of iron fistedness. What I wore was
the subject of a debate that ended with my dad throwing a boombox at me
and me screaming that I would commit suicide before wearing the dress
that he picked out for me.
The suicide threat was never carried out, but I spent many years
trapped inside of my own depressed head. To get out required years of
therapy, tears, journaling about issues that were not the real issue,
and the aforementioned lack of sleep. When people ask where I want to go
on vacation I tell them places like Hawaii or Florida, but in my heart
of hearts I want a room painted a flat eggshell white that has a bed, a
fridge, and some books. I want healers to come and talk to me, they can
take notes on my condition and I can spend a couple weeks or even a
couple months untangling the network of fear, axiety, and terror that is
still a part of my makeup.
When I opened the bills from visiting the new MD that I was higher on
before I saw that my bill was considerably higher than my husband's for
what I thought was the same new patient visit I was angry and upset.
Health, like grades, is not always a reflection of how hard you are
working to get where you are presently at so right now I feel like I got
slapped across the face for being a more complicated patient than he is
through no fault of my own as I have made a conscientious effort to eat
better, and live a healthier lifestyle than someone who used to follow a
self directed diet based on how many custard calories he could get away
with and not gain too much extra weight.
A lot of the time I read things that I don't understand. My mind is
always going. When people try to talk to me, I can't stop my thoughts so
sometimes I interrupt them when I mean to demonstrate my listening
skills. Safety is my main goal in life. I want to be safe and I want to
create safe places for others. My company inspects footwear for safety
and I'm grateful for the opportunities I have to use this gift to give
others greater freedom to go further than they could have without me in
their lives. Today I am not invincible, but I am stronger than I have
been when my sleep was stolen.
I'm writing something that interests me. I called my informal
business partner and caught up with him. I didn't get everything done,
but I have some energy and that excites me. I found a new app that will
ask me how I am feeling throughout the day and that feels like a large
step forward. Pontius Pilate was able to wash his hands, and I would
like to do the same, but I am here and this is now and tomorrow I will
email the man who may be my new editor and I have not sent a letter to
my good friend Anna, but I am thinking about her sweet self and praying
that she is finding peace where she's at now.
Until next time,
Jess