Sometimes it's good to have a forum in which to write out one's reflections on events without having certain others read it. Not being a
journal or
diary type of person, this is it for me.
I went to my cousin's college graduation party this afternoon (March 24, 2001), which went until around 9:00 pm. Many of my cousin's friends were there, some whom I knew, and others I did not. Kim was one of the ones I did not.
Kim is/was cool. We talked a lot, more at the afterparty at my cousin's house, after we left her Mom's house around 9:00. It turned out that Kim needed to replace a headlight. Having recently done this to my Miata, being a kind and generous soul, and trying to impress her a bit, I offered to help her change the light.
After some time, and the retrieval of a proper screwdriver, instead of the Leatherman I had, we replaced the light. It was around 1:30 am this morning by this time, and I was feeling some interest from Kim.
We adjourned back to the house, and talked for a good long time about philosophy, Libertarianism, and generally how to save the world, until around 2:15. We then both took our leave of the party, and made our way to the cars.
Getting to the car, she thanked me for helping with the headlight, and I hugged her. It was a nice hug, and a warm one. Backing out of the hug, keys in hand, I gave her a peck on her cheek. This turned into a kiss, which turned into another, hands moving around, keys going back into the pocket...
At around 2:50, we are sitting in her car, after the event. Afterglow is fun. We laugh about the incongruity and unexpectedness of the situation. She assures me that she's not "that' kind of girl. Digits are exchanged, promises to call are made, and we set off on our respective ways.
This is when the thinking begins. "Why didn't I just go straight home?" "What if I had left earlier?" This adds so much complexity to a life that's already pretty complicated. It doesn't help that I'm dating another woman. Not that the recent events constitute infidelity. We have a non-exclusive relationship, though this is the first time that's been directly relevant. It's just that now, I have two girls to juggle with the rest of my life, instead of one. Do I tell the first about the second? Vice versa? What happens when Kim calls and I'm with Margaret?
Sometimes life is too complex. On the other hand, not to seize the opportunities that life provides one with, is to live with doubt. The question remains, however, is regret better or worse than doubt? Do I regret at all, or am I feeling residual guilt over the meaning of tonight within the framework of a traditional, monogamous relationship?
I'm confused, and in addition, I have only about three hours to sleep before work tomorrow.
*Sigh*