(phone rings)
Receptionist: CIA?
Victor Lewis-Smith: Oh hello, is that the CIA, erm, the spies thing... American?
R: Yes sir you're reaching the
CIA, what can we do?
VLS: I'm phoning from
England.
R: Yes sir?
VLS: (pause) The
wildebeest will
stalk its prey tonight.
R: The wildebeest will stalk its
prey tonight?
VLS: That's what I just said.
R: (deep breath) Okay...
VLS: Oh,
sorry, wrong person, wrong person, slipup, er,
poison-tipped umbrellas and
cyanide, yes, er, I am myself very high up in the
British government... hello?
R: Yes sir
VLS: Erm, I work for...
R: Yes sir, I don't understand why you're calling.
VLS: Well I work for
Ipswitch Town Council, have you heard of that?
R: No sir
VLS: Right, we deal with the
pencil sharpening, the
rubber bands, that sort of thing, I work as I say...
R: Sir, I need to know
right away why you're calling us, I have other calls coming in.
VLS: Right, okay.
THRUSH.
R: I beg your pardon?
VLS: THRUSH. I have had dealings with THRUSH.
R: Sir, I'm afraid I have
no idea what you're talking about.
VLS: Well it's quite simple, I spoke to your
president last week and I said that I wanted to become a
spy, to work for the spy thing, the
CIA, and he said phone you...
R: Yes sir you would have to send in a
resume to the
employment office.
VLS: Do you have
GCSEs?
R: I have no idea what those are sir.
VLS: They are examinations, I've got one at looking at people through
glasses that look backwards and I was also once involved in an incident involving
Sir Anthony Blunt and a
bubble car and some
KY jelly... so would that be enough for the CIA?
R: Er, yes sir...
VLS: Right, I've got a set of
I Spy books...?
R: Sir, we don't deal in
spy books.
VLS: Oh right, that's alright then, lovely, that's all I wanted to know. Oh before I go, there is
one thing I have to say, I have to
say something...
R: What is that sir?
VLS: Well, I know you're going to think this sounds utterly
ridiculous...
R: Yes sir, go ahead.
VLS: I know you're going to think this sounds utterly ridiculous but... alel blehr leh! Bhurdle addle ep!
(a series of nonsense noises which have to be heard to be appreciated)
R: Sir...
(hangs up)
VLS: No! No please don't go! I've always thought I had a bit of
private dick in me!