HOW TO JUDGE SOMEBODY'S PERSONALITY PURELY BY THE BRAND OF CIGARETTE THEY SMOKE
There is no denying that certain personality attributes either encourage people to smoke a certain brand of cigarrette, or are attained after smoking a particular brand for a lengthy period of time. Either way, the following can be assumed about smokers of these particular brands:
BENSONS: The B&H smoker thinks himself to be, or maybe even is, rather suave and sophisticated. His beverage of choice will almost certainly be Stella, as the thought of something being 'reassuringly expensive' makes him salivate. He will be quick to demonstrate his naturally generous side, so crashing fags is a definite option.
MARLBORO REDS: This breed of smoker will have lungs of pure asbestos; make no mistake, he can smoke, and is likely to take somewhere around the region 4 seconds to finish a fag. This skill inevitably wins him a lot of respect of his peers and thus he will be the 'Don' in his particular social circle, often leading him to become overtly gregarious.
MARLBORO LIGHTS: These boys could be smoking purely to make themselves look cool, hardened smokers trying to quit or may simply love the thought of getting silicone in their lungs from this brand's dubious filters. They will often be seen in trendy clubs, frugging relentlessly to the latest hip-hop 'soundz'. They ARE cool. Ask them.
ROYALS: For these fellows, less definitely is not more. Lured by the extra 4 ciggies per pack, they are often accused of having eyes bigger than their lungs. In contrast with the Benson smoker, the chances of crashing a fag here are negative, as invariably they will drain your own supply at an alarming rate. A modern Northern term for such individuals is a 'scrubber'.
DORCHESTERS: Has there ever been a Dorchester smoker under the age of 75? I don't think so. If a life of smoking doesn't kill you, this is what you'll be purchasing from your local newsagents in the pouring rain when you are old. Whilst picking up your pension.
SUPERKINGS (any brand): Favoured by those who really do hate spending money, or just love to have long, cylindrical objects in their mouth all of the time. Are very similar to the Royals smokers, but are even more shameless.
MAYFAIRS: Quite simply, Mayfair smokers are masochists. Smoking such abominations is equivalent to eating your own shit. They ARE cheap though.
EMBASSY No.1s: The favoured brand of people who like to regard themselves as hard. They tend to be able to take enormous amounts of alcohol, an ability obtained by spending many years and many thousands of pounds in seedy pubs. They are usually from the Northern regions of England. They shun the puny insignificance of the Embassy Filter sister brand. Will always be up for testing themselves to both their physical and mental limits.
Of course, there are other brands of fags. Several of them in fact. Unfortunately, concrete evidence has not been provided to make them relevant to this particular topic, but hopefully it will be in the future.