What is limbo?
10/3/00 excerpt from my journal
It's a vague conditon, a place of oblivion. It's neither here nor there, but a shady place somewhere in between. To me, limbo is a place 22' X 8' on a little patch of borrowed stone driveway for an indeterminate amount of time. One can live only in the now because the future is immersed in a dense fog. The days all run together. They feel the same. There is no Monday nor Saturday, just one day after the next after the next after the next. One day at a time. I know eventually it will come to an end, I just don't know the when. It's a hard way to live, struggling to keep food on the table and this little patch of gravel under our camper and not losing our house back in Connecticut before it sells. We live in limbo. Never knowing how long it will be before we are told to leave this patch. There are no guarantees. We are told constantly that we will be thrown out if our dog gets loose, if our kids disturb the neighbors or if we make friends with the wrong people. It's a constant reminder of the impermanance of our life.
Limbo and frustration walk hand in hand these days. I catch moments of contentment when I least expect it. These moments are fleeting. I grasp them to me when I can. My days are filled with battling the hundreds of ants that constantly forage our camper, keeping them out of our food stores.
Accentuating the positive.... the large black ants we picked up back east are gone now. Woo-Hoo! (Bug Behaviour 101)
3/11/01 (five months later)
Yes, we are still in limbo. However, limbo is not as bad a place as I thought back in October. I must have acclimated. True, we still live day to day without knowing the future. But it has brought me a new sense of the now. I was one who dwelt in the past and worried for the future. This life style has forced me to live in the present. It has forced me to reevaluate how I spend money, how I spend time, how I spend life. I have been living with less than 10% of my possessions. It's different, but not so bad. I hear the idle threats from disgruntled employees here, but I no longer listen to them. My ears grow deaf to their grumbles. They are venting their frustrations at living here by being generally disagreeable. I don't take it personally anymore.
I've learned to let things go. e2 has helped with that. Accept the things you can not change... There are five of us living in this space. We have come to appreciate each other more. We have come to appreciate each day. My moments of contentment have grown to large blocks of time. Soaking in the hot tub watching the sun set is one that I seek out on a regular basis. I don't wait for moments to happen. I MAKE moments happen. There is only now and I have no intention of wasting it! Limbo gave me now.
Today is a gift, that is why they call it the present