On last night's thoughts before going to sleep


Tem42 says:

I can’t help but feel that the Covid-19 epidemic is underrepresented in the daylogs.

Had I known about this, I wouldn’t have tried to rush my thesis last year. I’ve been practicing social distancing since April 2019. Initially, it was to present a “complete” project by July. Then it was to show that my “complete” project wasn’t complete, but had unsolved problems, hopefully to be solved as a PhD student. Then they rushed everyone to finish everything before the institute had to go into lockdown and then…

I haven’t talked about my life during the epidemic because on the outside it has looked almost the same for the past 18 months or so: typing in front of a computer day in and day out. The major difference is that I’m now unemployed and can’t go out to blow off some steam/disconnect. But it’s the same.

Had I known, I would have done something different. But that is irrelevant, this world is the one I live in: looking for a stable job, stuck inside a small house, trying to get through a day at a time, a task harder than it may look.

I’m tired.

Of not doing anything, but also of keeping up this house as a contribution of sorts (since I am not contributing with money, I need to pull my weight in other ways).

I’m tired of no jobs available and I’m tired of the same job openings popping up time and time again for people and employers with a long history of fraud.

I’m tired of god knows how many outgoing emails. I’m tired of the large majority that never replies back and I’m tired of the odd polite rep that thanks me for my submission, but it’s not the right fit.

I’m tired of saying that yes I’ve always wanted to work at a funeral home and a power plant and a distribution warehouse. I’m tired of hiding the fact that my not having a job should count as some reason for wanting to work in your enterprise.

I’m tired of saying that “I love working in groups” because that’s meaningless without context. I’m tired of hiding the fact that my “working in groups” has involved anywhere between 3 and 100 people. I’m tired of hiding the fact that some of the best places I know have banned your radical brainstorming idea. I’m tired of saying that my entire academic career is built on mostly working alone and then showing up with results with other people to discuss what we’ve done so far, instead of trying to see into the future.

I’m tired of trying to guess what exactly do you mean with “leadership,” “stress” and “groups.” I’m tired of trying to adapt my own ideas to what a disembodied HR rep wants to know. I’m tired of saying that yes, I can wait on hold until you solve whatever came up.

I’m tired of hiding my experience, which tells me your constant state of “unexpected hours” means you—or someone in the organization—doesn’t really know how to manage people, time and resources.

I’m tired of coming up with the buzzwords you want, and I’m tired of trying to guess just how much to masquerade my self so that you can fill your form.

I’m tired of saying that I do know how to write and I’m tired of saying that my English certificate is old because no one has actually asked for anything newer. I’m tired of hiding the fact that the TOEFL is shit and you wanting me to have it shows how little you know about really using English. I’m tired of saying that my attending 3 international conferences should count for something. I’m tired of reading your obviously machine-translated emails and I’m tired of reading your English “phrases” that tell me you don’t even know how to use idioms in our native Spanish.

I’m tired of it all.

I have privileges that I cannot deny, and the first one is that I have economic and material safety to whine.

That doesn’t make me any less tired. But it makes me not want to write (or think) about it that often.