He wrote me a
letter. An
email, really. I believe that the tone was
conciliatory, but he wouldn’t pin the context down to anything. Just something he felt he should do, uncertain of my, or even his most probable response.
Doesn’t he get it that you can only
betray someone’s trust with expressions of
reconciliation that you’re not yet ready to give so many times? So many times before that someone can’t give you their
trust any more? Ever. At all.
He would need to do
a lot to
earn that trust back now. And he’s not going to do it over email. If he’d written me a month from now, I’d think about it. But as it is, the last time is just too close behind... The last time he said he was
sorry for all the ways he’s behaved and been
cruel these past few months. He apologized through a friend, but it was an
apology all the same. Later that very same week he exploded at me at a party, again, all full of the same
self-righteousness that makes me believe he has no understanding of the fact that sometimes people just fall out of love. Sometimes
no one is to blame. That I did not just cast him aside because he was
imperfect, and that it broke my heart to hurt him almost as much he got hurt. Two weeks ago I was willing to believe him. I did give him that
chance, even though I didn’t mean to, and then him spitting in my face all over again with
that bile that has replaced his heart was the most bitter of returns. It had been so very long. Long enough for me to grow hope in people and in him, all for
nothing.
And now he tries to offer again.
I want to
explain to him why I have nothing to say, and why I can’t let him come close. I will not be held in contempt again, demonized to my own face as if I deserve it, when I have accepted the offer for
no hard feelings. But I can’t. I know I couldn’t pull off such an explanation without sounding
bitter, when sad and resigned is all I really am. Resigned to the fact that I know he’ll do it again. He’s too
young of soul to have recovered and to be ready to be logical yet. So I say nothing, and hope
time will teach him what happened here today, and throughout this whole, horrible affair.
He said something in a mass
Happy New Year’s email to our
listserve about how this year will be the year of “
absolute karma,” by his decree. For
his sake I hope not. I fear he built up a lot of
karma last year. And almost all of it bad.