So much stress not being able to pay all my medical bills because I was paying for tuition, and even still I am two months behind on student loan payments, and every extra dollar I had got gobbled up by general practitioner, labs, psychiatry, sleep doctor, meds, some of which I outright just don't have the money for, so I'm falling behind and behind and now I'm a month late on half the payments and as I go about getting more money to pay them off I am gaining more debt. I don't waste my money, my health is simply awful and it has always been awful and frankly I wonder if it will be awful until I die. Another doctor. Another new medication. It does nothing, just like 90% of medications I've tried, but I have to try it for eight weeks before a verdict, it's cumulative or whatever the fuck. Still, I refuse to ask friends or family for money. I'm not that kind of person and frankly I don't feel like getting lectured by my parents about financial responsibility considering I spend less than 10% of each check on "fun".
Additionally, latin is kicking my butt. I'm learning about the subjunctive mood right now -- Latin has three moods: indicative, imperative, and subjunctive. Subjunctive is when something is indefinite, "may we", "let this", etc. It's identifiable by changing the stem vowel, but the stem vowel changes differently per conjugation. I don't know my conjugations, I don't know which verbs belong to which conjugation. I know the mnemonic, "we beat a friar", but I just... ugh. It's a headache. Also, in class today I mispronounced something and it was humiliating but it's whatever because my classmates pronounce things wrong too. I just... I have never pronounced anything wrong in class before. I prided myself on pronouncing my Vs like Ws, rolling my Rs, hard Cs, etc. The final exam is Monday and in honesty I have no idea what I'm going to do if I have to translate subjunctives into latin, because I don't know my conjugations. I can identify subjunctives and translate OUT of latin, because it's easy to see if the verb "looks wonky" (my professor's words), but past that it's going to be a struggle. I just need over 65% on the final and I will pass the class by 1%. I am being brutally sodomized by academia and it used to stress me out, cause me anguish, but now I feel nothing anymore when I think about it, and I wish I was different but I'm not and don't know how to be.
My family is gone, down to Florida for three weeks while I'm home to water the plants and take care of the dog. I must say, it's nice not having to do dozens of small tasks every day, and I don't really miss them, but I might by the end of the three weeks. I am fond of them, I think, but I don't know how close I am with them, despite living with them.
New doctor says no screens past 11pm. I spent $50 on a cassette player and a bunch of tapes, big spend for me but I figured it would pay off because I can record two albums per 90 minute cassette, $1.25 per album, and then I have offline, screen-free music for when I turn off all my screens every night. Recorded a song, it sounded like ass. Complete garbage. So now I wasted all this money but at least I have a cassette player in case I want to record myself doing whatever the fuck. So obscenely stupid. So now I bought an mp3 player, I really didn't want to because it still has a screen, but I found one on the fifth page of Amazon listings that has a screen that isn't backlit, it's a gameboy style screen. My last resort I guess, since Vinyl is so goddamn expensive. I don't want to spend $40 on a record. At least I have the radio.
I've had the itch to write late at night but no screens, so I've been using a mechanical typewriter. Really channelling the 1960s or whatever the fuck. I want to try my hand at an electric typewriter because the Hermes 3000 gives my hands exhaustion but I don't want to spend $100 to get one. Right now I'm working on a story involving politics on an occult commune, a group of people secretly share in sinful activities and conspire to overthrow the High Priestess, but in the end they all are scourged, confined, killed. I feel little passion for the story but the more I write the more it grows on me. We'll see where it goes. Another short story has been submitted, flash fiction, expected turnaround by the 15th of this month. I think it's the best thing I've ever written, but they have a LOT of submissions so in honest I don't expect anything good. Still, it would be neat, to get published finally.
Sick and tired of everything and everyone but looking forward to being free of academic responsibility. I don't know if I'll continue with latin after the semester ends. I really want to, but reading Cicero makes me think "I hate this language". I translated some Catullus recently which was considerably easier. Cicero is a bastard and I hate him. Goddamn Cicero garbage, putting all his verbs at the end of the sentence, the direct object at the beginning, so many indirect clauses. I want to go back in time and punch him.
I watched a documentary recently, it was called "Dominion", it detailed all the suffering and poor treatment of animals. Videos of all the awful imagery, all the suffering, animals crammed in tight, dirty cages, marinating in their own shit, kept with their rotting dead kin that never get removed. I don't know why, but when I think about it I don't really feel the least bit sad or disturbed, and I know I should, I know it's awful, but honestly I feel no sympathy for them, and I don't know if I am capable of feeling sympathy. I would like to, I think it's just so far removed from my daily life that it's not really tangible to me, despite seeing imagery of it firsthand. I feel no guilt eating meat, no remorse drinking milk. If anything I enjoy it a little more now, which is the strangest thing to me, knowing something suffered. Makes no sense.
I want to write more but it's 11:15 and I have to turn off my screens. Curses.