The
words just aren't enough. I try and I try but it just doesn't cut it right now. They don't quite reach, not quite. But I need someone or
something right now or I think
I might not be able to come up for air.
It makes me so angry that I spend my life being dramatic and when it really does count I can't find the words for it because they're all used up on
wasted nothings that mean nothing compared to this.
I feel all my selves coming back, all the selves I locked deep inside and all the selves from long ago and all the selves I thought would never return. They're back here and they're filling me up so much that I can't hardly bear it.
This little spot in a daylog doesn't even deserve to be filled with him.
I wanted to speak his name today but I just can't. Not here. Not where it will be mingled with so many other names that would make his fade almost out of existence. He needs to fade out but I'm not ready to let go of him. Not yet. Not him.
I won't speak his name. But I'll tell you why this hurts so bad. After a while we stopped saying it, but it was always there,
an unspoken promise we both knew. We'd end up together some day, sometime in the future that we'd never give a date, but we knew we'd always end up. We just knew it and it was okay to love other people and mix ourselves with other personalities, because eventually, it'd just be him and I.
Tonight he spoke it instead, and it was no longer left silent. He's broken the promise. And now... now
I have nothing. I never realized that he was always there, kind of holding me up and moving me forward. Always there in the back of my mind, sometimes there in front,
his picture in my drawer so I could see him every time I needed a pen. Which is every hour. I knew we'd end up together, I always knew this. But now I'm wrong.
She completes him. He couldn't tell me for two and a half years, not about this girl who
completes him, and I'm only beginning to feel a little anger that he's kept me believing in the unspoken promise this long. He's not mine anymore. And he hasn't been, and I've always kind of felt something was amiss but it's never been like this. It's never been so raw and
I feel like I'm dying. I really feel like I'm dying. I've never felt like this. I have
never felt this many emotions within me all at the same time and I haven't been able to stop crying for the past 3 hours.
I hate him and I love him.
I hate to love him so much. I love to hate him so much. It's tearing me up that I'm feeling like this, after all this time of thinking I'm wasted and old and I've never even felt
this. I try to tell myself I'm so happy for him, because I should be glad he's found someone. I'm glad he's happy because he deserves it so much. But my insides are torn out and I feel like they're missing, I'm totally empty and dead and nothing fits.