*sighs*
I've managed to figure out, with the help of my head-shrinker, one of the reasons why I don't do well with relationships... and that reason is because intimacy terrifies me. Seriously.
This past therapy session was actually a very good one, for finding that out and on many other levels -- for example, one of my persistent problems is that I have a low self-esteem... I do not view myself as lovable. My therapist (bless her heart!) had me write down the things that I viewed myself as. And I couldn't come up with a single negative attribute, other than fucked-up and confusable -- but even those had good aspects, that I could use to work through my problems. Eventually, I stopped writing, and simply told her, "Okay, you win," and put down the whiteboard marker.
The exercise that she used to figure out my fear of intimacy was a rather simple one: She had me stand with my back to the wall. Then, she stood directly in front of me, told me that she was going to put her arms out in front of her, and walk towards me until her hands were touching the wall to either side of my head. As soon as I felt at all uncomfortable, I was just to raise a hand in a "stop" gesture. Simple, right? Well, in theory, maybe, but before she'd taken two steps (she was about 8 steps away from me), I almost had a panic attack.
Regardless, though, this session taught me a lot about myself... why I'm afraid to commit, why I'm afraid of intimacy, why I stay a playboy instead of settling down and growing up.
Damn, but if I were into blaming others instead of trying to resolve my own problems, I'd really be hating my brother right now.