This method is assured to work 100%.
Jehovah's Witnesses are not allowed to talk to apostates.

So if you receive a visit from believers of this cult, you just have to say:
"Please, come in, I used to be a Jehovah's Witness.
I have a lot of things to explain, do you want to know why I left the cult?"

A friend of mine told me this nice (and true) story. He has got some friends in their early 20es that lives 8 ppl in a shared house. Of course, they are quite open minded and into the small pleasures of life, like hash. One day, they were baking a lot of hash cakes to have an enjoyable evening.

Now who should come up and ring their doorbell but JW?!

JW: "Hi - we have something that we'd like to show you. Don't you think that the world is turning into the worse?"
Ppl: "But of cooourse. Please come in and let's talk about it over some coffee. We've just made some nice tasty cookies...".

The JW have never ever appeared there again. You can only imagine what happened when the drugs started to work (which happened after they'd left).
One of the most effective techniques I observed for getting rid of any door-to-door-missionary (be they JW, LDS etc..) took place while I was staying in the home of a Methodist minister.

They would knock on the door, and he would answer and politely invite them in, and make them herbal tea. He would then reach over to the small table next to his chair and grab his bible and a notepad. He would take notes as they talked, but say next to nothing. After they'd finished the standard speech he would go over his notes, open his bible and point out to them passage by passage how wrong they were (this, of course, according to the Methodist interpretation of the scriptures). he would then send them on their way.

From what I have heard his home is now "off limits" to all JW and Mormon Missionaries.
One of my friends had the perfect way to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses. He was a Satanist (LaVeyan Satanist, not Anti-Christian Satanist), and would offer to discuss comparative religion with them. That usually made them leave quickly.

He managed to top that one time, however. He and two of his buddies had just gotten back from hunting, and he was in the process of gutting a deer they'd bagged when the doorbell rang. He went to get the door, and saw the cheap suits and bicycles through the peephole. He grinned, and went back into the kitchen to get his butcher's knife. When he opened the front door, he grinned maniacally at them, and said, "Great! You're just in time for dinner! Won't you come in?" What the Jehovah's Witnesses saw was a demented-looking man, wearing a white apron over blue jeans, covered in blood and carrying a large, blood-stained knife. Not only did they leave fast, but he was never bothered while he lived at that address again...


Update, 2/28/02:
Lately, I've been beset by JW's trying to give me copies of Watchtower and Awake at the bus stop while I wait for my bus... So far, I've either ignored them or politely declined their requests. I do wonder, however, why the hispanic ladies always take and read copies of La Atalaya (The Spanish edition of Watchtower, I think), though...

Nekojin: Actually, the bicycles are most likely a sign that the people at the door were Mormons (who rarely use cars in their missionary work) rather than Witnesses (who usually do, though for no particular reason).

And a note to those who try to come up with funny ways to scare Jehovah's Witnesses off: they find your methods just as funny as you do. Don't do anything you wouldn't mind having strangers talking about (and most likely laughing at) for quite some time. My mother, who's a Witness herself, has quite a few interesting stories to tell, like the time she was out with her mother and some guy came to the door naked. My grandmother's response: "Hey, this city witnessing is some interesting stuff; I should do this more often..."

My favorite one, though, comes from a friend of mine. His martial arts instructor (I don't know for certain which art, but I think it was kenjutsu) is a pagan; specifically, he worships household gods. Anyway, one time he and his brother were practicing in their basement, with the instructor's son watching TV upstairs. Someone rang the doorbell, and the kid goes to answer. The conversation went something like this:

Evangelicals: Hi. We're here to talk to you about God.

Kid: Which one?

Evangelicals: Well... um... the Christian God, the One God...

Kid: Oh. One sec: (Turns to the basement, shouts) DAD, THERE'S CHRISTIANS AT THE DOOR!

Instructor: (Shouts from basement) Oh really? What do they want?

Kid: They want to talk to you about their god.

Instructor: Oh. One sec...

At this point, the evangelicals are greeted with the sight of the instructor and his brother, still dressed in full ceremonial armor, along with their two dogs -two huge Irish wolfhounds- which had been in the basement with them. They enter the house (this is the clue that they were Mormons; a Witness will never actually enter a house unless invited, and even then usually not on the first visit, preferring to instead schedule an appointment at some later date so they can return to their door-to-door activities for the day).

The evangelicals say a short prayer once inside. The instructor says that this is fine, but that now his family has to pray too. The evangelicals agree to this. So the instructor and his family break out the incense and decide to have a little fun. So they start in on the sacrifice prayer from Conan the Barbarian. They get through the first four words:

"O serpent of darkness..."

At this point, the evangelicals freak. This spooks the dogs. They're trained not to actually attack, but they start circling the couch menacingly. The evangelicals climb up onto the couch, throwing books at the dogs. This doesn't help. Eventually they manage to run away screaming and bolt off. Supposedly no evangelicals have visited them since.

I don't know if this is quite true, though I have no reason to doubt it. But Mom got a real kick out of it.

I have a sure-fire technique that has worked every single time Jehovah's Witnesses came over:

"Thank you, I appreciate it, but I am not interested. Have a nice day." Door closes normally.

Just because people come over to your house doesn't mean you have to be rude to them. You can ask that they please remove your house from their rounds, as that has worked for me. An additional suggestion is that you put up a small No Solicitations sign by your door.

When I was much younger, about twelve or thirteen, I was visited by Jehovah's Witnesses. I had never experienced the Witnesses before and was quite unprepared. My mother had raised me to be polite to strangers though, and I was pleasant with them. My mother was also very religious and had raised me accordingly. My knowledge of the bible was more than adequate to duel theology with these missionaries.

I then spent many minutes quietly debating with them on my front porch. I was polite enough to not call them names, and they were resolved enough that they did not want to be outwitted by a pup. After they left, my mother came up from the basement and asked me whom I had been talking to. I told her the story and added that they seemed a little confused, and a little pushy.

My mother replied, "Pay them no mind, they are confused. It doesn't hurt to talk with them; it may even do some good. But if you don't want to talk with them, just tell them you're Lutheran and they'll leave you be."

Strangely enough that works. I used to go on about how I was a Lutheran and how I would be more than happy to talk with them, but they always replied negatively and left quietly. As I got older and lazier I realized that a simple, "I'm Lutheran" works just as well.

I have no idea what their aversion to Lutherans is.

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