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yeah.
grrr. i am just
filled to the brim with angstiness right now. in two days - theoretically - i become a
graduate, not offically, but i will be done with
college. finished. just chilling, putting my feet up, waiting to
walk in june. all this, however, is contigent upon
one tiny little c++ final that ought to be
cake. in fact, it most assuredly would be cake, had i not missed the majority of a month and a half of class. if i don't finish the final, i have to hurry my ass up and register for some
elective next quarter before i jet off for
spring break in san francisco.
i worry that the same thing will happen, though. because
i love programming, i really do. i love the cleanliness and the secrecy and the
coersion and the
instant gratification. i love the neatness of a
fixed-width font indenting, brackets opening and closing, against an unadorned
editor window. i love the click of the keys,
swearing like a trucker when it doesn't
compile. the challenge,
the chase. despite all that, i still couldn't focus. if i don't make it through the next two days, i'm in
a world of hurt.
today is not helping. $120 of my
shiny new paycheck went to cover a deficit i should never have accrued. when i came home from the bank, i began
the long and demanding process of intense, advanced-level procrastination. i meant to take a shower - i took a
bubble bath. mid-bath, i decided to dye my hair red. i get out of the bath and read/remember too late that one does not wash one's hair prior to dyeing it. i spend half an hour brushing my hair, trying to work some oils back into it. dye.
let sit for 25 minutes. rinse. condition. put on makeup and spend 45 minutes prancing around in front of the mirror
admiring my handiwork.
not satisfied with my own glowing but silent compliments, i go
downtown, hoping to run into someone who will remark on my
vixen-like new look. doesn't happen. i eat a bagel and read
beckett. back at home, the
gas bill - three days late already - must go out today. neither roommate has left a check, so i decide it is my duty to stay at home until they arrive, so that the bill can go out before the
post office closes. i fall asleep on the couch and awaken at 5:45 when one roommate gets back from a
retreat. the post office is closed and my
final is still in no better shape than i left it yesterday:
includes, declarations, and an empty constructor.
i get my ass to school.
chaos explodes around me the moment i enter the
computer center. i crawl into the foxhole reserved for
advanced computing students, generals in the war against the confusion of human existance, fighting day and night to effect some
pretense of order through better tools for our poor conflicted race. (
i'm romanticizing my major, aren't i?) eventually, i can't take it anymore and have to come out and sit
behind the desk.
some people are idiots.
crazed morons with unreasonable demands. their apparent leader approaches me a little before i am actually on the clock. bored, i decipher her incoherent language and follow her to her
machine. the problem is that she can't get her disk out (of a
mac). the reason she can't do this? some
petty neanderthal has stolen the mouse. i eject her disk using
the tried and true paperclip method and
call the cops. they take my statement. i
fume.
it is unlikely that i will be able to stay here until 2 am without having to kill someone.
if i don't get access to a computer and browser in prison, all my love..